IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. to what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#position #women #society #twenty #years #people #delinquency #fact #work #home #care #children
In the
last
 two decades, the societal position of
women
 has changed significantly. Some believe
this
 to be the reason behind problems like minor
crimes
, as married
women
 work and are not at home to look after their children all the time. I strongly disagree with
this
 because a
child
's upbringing is a combined effort and dependent on many environmental and cultural factors. Juvenile
crimes
 have happened irrespective of the working status of the
women
. Bringing up a
child
 right depends on the quality of values imparted equally by both parents and not just the
women
. If the woman is available all the time, but the father stays absent or is abusive, it is a recipe for a disastrous upbringing.
For example
, in India, most minor
crimes
 reported were from families where
women
 did not work and were even aware of the tendencies. So a conservative approach cannot ensure the right upbringing.
Furthermore
, married housewives taking care of their children
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 never been able to reduce the chances of
juveline
Correct your spelling
juvenile
javelina
crimes
 because a
child
's character is heavily shaped by the kind of environment they are brought up in. A perfectly available mother combined with an abusive or immature partner would teach patriarchy to the
child
 and normalize crime for him. Another place where they could get derailed is the kind of friends that they hang out with during their teenage. Teenagers may pick up criminal tendencies from evil elements in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
For example
, In the UK, teenagers picked up minor
crimes
 at schools or playgrounds, with minimal awareness of
this
 at home.
To conclude
,
women
 are not solely responsible for a
child
's
ubringing
Correct your spelling
upbringing
 and restricting them at home would in no way assure. Juvenile
crimes
 will keep happening until the
child
 is brought equally with good values and subjected to the right environment.
Submitted by man3meet4 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Consider further elaborating on how women's changing roles specifically impact juvenile delinquency, and address potential counterarguments for a more balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a logical progression of your ideas by providing clearer transitions between points and improving the overall flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay provides a clear thesis statement in the introduction and reiterates the central argument in the conclusion.
task response
The essay introduces relevant examples to support the argument, making the main points more persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • evolution
  • domestic roles
  • diverse professional engagements
  • dual-working parents
  • family dynamics
  • juvenile delinquency
  • societal and economic factors
  • dual-income households
  • childcare methods
  • community support systems
  • gender roles
  • family responsibilities
  • professional aspirations
  • development needs
  • correlation
  • simplistic causation
  • workplace policies
  • flexible hours
  • parental leave
  • gender equality
  • role models
  • successful womanhood
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!