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Band 4

The government needs to spend money to encourage the development of sports and arts for school students, rather than to support professional sports and art events. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this state

#government #money #development #sports #arts #school #students #support #art #events
There is a claim that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should spend its budget
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of
sports
 and arts at schools,
instead
 of spending
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 professional
sports
 and art events. I
definately
Correct your spelling
definitely
 agree with the first
latter
Correct your spelling
letter
show examples
.
To begin
 with, institutes are a place for finding talented users, so by finding advantaged
students
, it would be easier to help both
students
 and
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of
sports
. There are many
in need
Add a hyphen
in-need
show examples
students
 who are entitled to know their talents, the governments can find them and foster them to develop their skills.
For example
, if a rustic and disadvantaged student who is talented can find out his skill, they can be one of the promising
athelets
Correct your spelling
athletes
 or artists of that country in the long run.
Next,
funding schools for
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of
students
 can be more affordable and wise. Spending budgets and taxes on professional
sports
 and art exhibitions can be useful but does not help enough the country to be known or
captivates
Correct subject-verb agreement
captivate
show examples
 its tourists, bringing money to that nation. In general, finding bright pupils at schools who have up and running future is a great achievement and reasonable way for a nation to
progess
Correct your spelling
progress
 and
as a result
, a great treasure for
Correct article usage
the people's
show examples
people's
Change noun form
people
show examples
 of
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 to be
honor
Wrong verb form
honoured
show examples
 with. In summary, I reiterate,
it
Correct word choice
that it
show examples
 is better for countries to spend a significant part of their taxes and budgets on
development
 and finding athletes and artists from their childhood,
while
 spending these
moneys
Change the wording
money
amounts of money
sums of money
show examples
 on professional events cannot have a promising result.
Submitted by amini.parastoo on

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task achievement
Work on expanding your introduction and providing a clearer restatement of the thesis statement. This will set a stronger foundation for your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use more varied linkers and connectors to enhance the clarity and smoothness of transitions between ideas.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments and demonstrate clear connections between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument effectively.
task achievement
You address the task appropriately by discussing both sides of the argument and expressing your viewpoint.
coherence and cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure that guides the reader through your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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