IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

describe the table, how the unemployed spent their time in UK last year

#time #uk #year
The given table compares jobless
women
 and
men
 in terms of which activities they did on a daily basis during the previous year.
Overall
, it can be seen that house chores took most of the
time
 from
women
, compared to
men
.
To begin
,
men
 tended to search for a job after they woke up from sleep, it took them 22% in the morning. Whilst,
women
 spend almost 50% of the morning
time
 doing housework, which is more than twice as much as
men
, owing to the figures are 19%.
Moreover
, workless
men
 were two times more likely to drink alcohol than
women
, during the mornings, at 2% for
men
 and 1% for the opposite sex. In the
afternon
Correct your spelling
afternoons
men
 predominantly spent most of the
time
 watching TV shows, which took them 14% of the evening hours, and taking care of the garden,
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
13%. When
men
 were lying in bed for 1% of
time
 after the noon,
women
 not only did not sleep, but
also
 did not exercise at all, because they were busy doing household chores, which occupied more than a quarter of the
time
 at 21%, and buying new things in shops.
Moreover
, shopping took the same amount of
time
 as going to the houses of loved ones did, at 17% of the
women
's hours.
Submitted by tyurina.98 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure all paragraphs have a clear focus and are linked with appropriate connecting words or phrases to improve the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
A brief conclusion that summarizes the key findings would make the essay feel more complete.
task achievement
Clarify statements with more specific examples and data where available to fully back up your points.
task achievement
Please make sure to review for any grammatical or typographical errors to ensure clarity and accuracy.
task achievement
The essay provides a detailed comparison between activities done by unemployed men and women.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introductory paragraph that sets the topic.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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