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Writing Samples
Band 6

the giagrams below show the changes that have taken place at West Park Secondary School since its construction in 1950.

#giagrams #show #changes #place #west #park #school #construction
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The diagrams illustrate the changes to West
Park
 Secondary
School
 over three years: 1950, 1980, and 2010.
Overall
, the most significant changes occurred in 1980, with major developments to the
school
’s infrastructure. The main road located in front of the
school
 remained unchanged throughout the period. In 1950, the surrounding
area
 consisted of residential houses and farmland on the left side,
while
 the
school
 building and playground were situated on the right side of the diagram. By 1980, the housing
area
 had been replaced by a car
park
 and an extended
school
 building, which included a newly constructed science block.
Additionally
, the farmland was replaced by a sports field, which occupied the
area
 behind the former residential
area
. In 2010, the car
park
 was
further
 expanded, leading to a reduction in the size of the sports field and playground. The
school
 building itself remained unchanged during
this
 period. In conclusion, from 1950 to 2010, the development of the
area
 resulted in the expansion of the
school
 and car
park
,
while
 the playground and sports field were reduced in size. The farmland and residential housing were completely replaced by new facilities for the
school
.
Submitted by narnrs1 on

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task achievement
The overview paragraph effectively highlights the main changes across the years, which is critical in achieving a clear task response.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a logical structure, including an introduction, main body paragraphs, and a conclusion, consider expanding on the specific details in each time period to boost clarity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction provides a clear overview of what the diagrams depict, setting up the essay well.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph focuses clearly on one particular time period, maintaining a logical flow.
task achievement
The essay succinctly summarizes the changes over the period, offering a good level of detail.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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