IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think certain prisoner should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind the bars. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #prisoner #community #work #bars
It is a topic of great debate
that
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apply
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whether the judiciary should give corporal punishment to the criminals or they can ask them to do
community
 service
instead
. In my opinion,
former
Correct article usage
the former
show examples
 view is more persuasive, as the desired results are difficult to achieve if we choose the latter approach and reasons to support my stance are elaborated in the following paragraphs.
To begin
 with, people who advocate that unpaid
community
 work is an effective
way
 assert that
this
way
 could change
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminal psychology and it can encourage them to become
an ideal citizens
Correct the article-noun agreement
ideal citizens
an ideal citizen
show examples
.
However
, I do not think that
this
 idea has any practical value,
whereas
, imprisonment is an effective
way
 to achieve
desired
Change the article
the desired
show examples
 outcome by giving prisoners time to introspect their past mistakes.
On the other hand
, those who opine that corporal punishments are right
assert
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to assert
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 that we cannot let go
Change preposition
of criminal
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criminal
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criminals
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, who
did
Verb problem
committed
show examples
 heinous
crimes
such
 as murders, robberies etc. In fact, habitual offenders are a threat to
the
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apply
show examples
societal peace and
law
Correct article usage
the law
show examples
 should not allow them to get away easily. To illustrate, in 2024 in Pune,India a minor was accused of murder of two people
,
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apply
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 when he hit their motorbike with his car that he was driving.
Thus
, in
such
incidents
Add a comma
incidents,
show examples
 one must be prosecuted. Adding more to it, if we set criminals free by just doing
community
 service it will send a wrong message to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Indeed, it will encourage people to commit
crimes
 and get away with them.
For example
, a few European countries have tried
this
 as a pilot project, but
instead
 of
reduction
Add an article
a reduction
show examples
 in
crimes
, there was a surge in the crime rate.
Hence
, corporal
punishments
Fix the agreement mistake
punishment
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 the ideal
way
 to control
crimes
.
To sum up
, undoubtedly, we can consider
community
 services for less heinous
crimes
 but when it comes to serious
crimes
 the law must not let criminals get away easily to protect society and send a strong message
in to
Join the words
into
show examples
 the
community
.
Submitted by mrsdns on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples or statistics to support your argument, especially regarding the effectiveness of imprisonment in changing criminal behavior.
coherence cohesion
Consider organizing your paragraphs more clearly, such as dedicating one paragraph to each side of the argument.
task achievement
The essay effectively presents a balanced view and takes a clear position on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The arguments are well-supported with reasoning and explanations, creating a logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are strong, clearly stating the thesis and summarizing the main points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Rehabilitation
  • Reintegration
  • Recidivism
  • Reform
  • Restorative justice
  • Incarceration
  • Community service
  • Public safety
  • Skill development
  • Moral obligation
  • Punitive measures
  • Economic efficiency
  • Social consequences
  • Corrective action
  • Non-violent offenders
  • Justice system
  • Public opinion
  • Victim restitution
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