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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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In some countries, people make
children
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 believe that they can have whatever they want by hard
working
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work
show examples
.
This
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 message comes with several advantages and disadvantages which will be discussed in
this
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 essay. To start with
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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, the main benefit of
this
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 sentence is that
children
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 may realise the true value of hard
working
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work
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. They learn that if they seek any type of achievement,
such
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 as career or academic achievement, they have to put their
affort
Correct your spelling
effort
in
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into
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 it. There
also
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 is an invisible
massage
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message
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 in it: it is
imposible
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impossible
 to
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
 your dreams by doing nothing.
Therefore
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, It encourages them to attempt for what they want.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 notion carries a positive charge, giving
children
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 a sense of
self-steem
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self-esteem
 and confidence, which are two of the main factors in success.
However
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,
There
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there
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 may be a couple of disadvantages as well.
Firstly
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, in some societies, the quality of life is extremely poor. So trying makes no difference sometimes.
Moreover
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, some
children
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 are not given any opportunity to even try. In some other cases,
kids
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 may have unrealistic desires which never
comes
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come
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 true neither with hard
working
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work
show examples
 nor without it.
For example
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, a child might wish
for having
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to have
show examples
 all the money in the world.
Thus
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, it is important to remind
kids
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 to dream about real things
not
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, not
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 imaginary ones. In conclusion, it can be helpful to inform
youngs
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young
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 that success can be gained through
tying
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trying
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 hard. It can encourage them to believe in themselves.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 sentence is meaningless in
socienties
Correct your spelling
societies
 with social problems, where
kids
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 don't have any chance to work hard to
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
 their dreams. It
also
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 can be a tricky sentence, which may foster an unreal belief in
kids
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. They may assume they can reach whatever, even things they only see in fairytales.

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task achievement
To enhance your essay, consider clarifying your points with more concrete examples. Specific examples can help to better illustrate your ideas and make your arguments more compelling to the reader.
coherence cohesion
Work on paragraph transitions for a smoother flow between ideas. This will improve the overall coherence of your essay and make it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
introduction conclusion present
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, ensuring that your essay has a complete structure. This makes your main ideas easy to identify.
logical structure
Your essay maintains a logical structure, with each paragraph presenting a distinct idea related to the topic. This enhances the coherence of your argument.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your discussion of both advantages and disadvantages covers a wide scope, showing a well-rounded understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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