There was a time when people only shopped out of necessity, but these days shopping seems to have become a new form of leisure activity. People don't appreciate the value of money anymore. To what extent dou you agree with this view?

In the past,
people
only did shopping to fulfil their
necessity
Fix the agreement mistake
necessities
show examples
.
However
, these days
people
use shopping as a favourite leisure activity. Some
people
believe that
people
do not accept the value of money anymore. I completely agree with
this
statement because today
people
do shopping to
statisfy
Correct your spelling
satisfy
their
pleasure
, and they want to
show
their wealth to
others
.
People
want to get
pleasure
by doing shopping. Purchasing new things
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
them with
pleasure
. They love to explore shopping malls in their spare
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
and buy new things.
People
purchase numerous unnecessary products which they do not need.
This
costs a huge amount of money to them.
For example
, in Australia, the young generation buys unnecessary clothing which they never wear. But those new items in their closet increase their
pleasure
. To gain
this
pleasure
, they do
this
unnecessary shopping.
Moreover
,
people
want to
show
their materialistic wealth to
others
. It is a common trend that those who have more expensive staff, are respected by
others
in society.
This
trend makes
people
obsessed
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
shopping. The more they shop, the more they will be respected by
others
.
For instance
,
people
want to buy luxury cars and houses to
show
their rich lifestyle to
others
. They believe that their materialistic wealth makes
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
presentable in front of
others
. In conclusion,
people
love to shop more than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
past because they earn
pleasure
from it.
People
consider it
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a favourite pastime.
Moreover
,
people
also
purchase unnecessary stuff because they want to
show
their richness to
others
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

clarity
Some sentences lack clarity due to slightly awkward phrasing. For example, instead of 'new items in their closet increase their pleasure,' consider stating, 'adding new items to their wardrobe brings them joy.' Review your sentences for clarity and smoother readability.
development
While you have provided examples, you might further strengthen your argument by elaborating on the broader implications or consequences of these behaviors. This could help enrich your analysis.
structure
You have a well-structured essay with clear paragraphs for each main idea. The organization enhances readability and understanding.
introduction
Your introduction effectively presents the topic and clearly states your position. It sets a strong foundation for your argument.
content
You successfully identified two main reasons supporting your viewpoint: shopping for pleasure and to display wealth. This supports the task response effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: