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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There was a time when people only shopped out of necessity, but these days shopping seems to have become a new form of leisure activity. People don't appreciate the value of money anymore. To what extent dou you agree with this view?

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In the past,
people
Use synonyms
 only did shopping to fulfil their
necessity
Fix the agreement mistake
necessities
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, these days
people
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 use shopping as a favourite leisure activity. Some
people
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 believe that
people
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 do not accept the value of money anymore. I completely agree with
this
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 statement because today
people
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 do shopping to
statisfy
Correct your spelling
satisfy
 their
pleasure
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, and they want to
show
Use synonyms
 their wealth to
others
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.
People
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 want to get
pleasure
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 by doing shopping. Purchasing new things
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 them with
pleasure
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. They love to explore shopping malls in their spare
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
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 and buy new things.
People
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 purchase numerous unnecessary products which they do not need.
This
Linking Words
 costs a huge amount of money to them.
For example
Linking Words
, in Australia, the young generation buys unnecessary clothing which they never wear. But those new items in their closet increase their
pleasure
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. To gain
this
Linking Words
pleasure
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, they do
this
Linking Words
 unnecessary shopping.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
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 want to
show
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 their materialistic wealth to
others
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. It is a common trend that those who have more expensive staff, are respected by
others
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 in society.
This
Linking Words
 trend makes
people
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 obsessed
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
 shopping. The more they shop, the more they will be respected by
others
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.
For instance
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,
people
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 want to buy luxury cars and houses to
show
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 their rich lifestyle to
others
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. They believe that their materialistic wealth makes
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 presentable in front of
others
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. In conclusion,
people
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 love to shop more than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past because they earn
pleasure
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 from it.
People
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 consider it
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a favourite pastime.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
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also
Linking Words
 purchase unnecessary stuff because they want to
show
Use synonyms
 their richness to
others
Use synonyms
.

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clarity
Some sentences lack clarity due to slightly awkward phrasing. For example, instead of 'new items in their closet increase their pleasure,' consider stating, 'adding new items to their wardrobe brings them joy.' Review your sentences for clarity and smoother readability.
development
While you have provided examples, you might further strengthen your argument by elaborating on the broader implications or consequences of these behaviors. This could help enrich your analysis.
structure
You have a well-structured essay with clear paragraphs for each main idea. The organization enhances readability and understanding.
introduction
Your introduction effectively presents the topic and clearly states your position. It sets a strong foundation for your argument.
content
You successfully identified two main reasons supporting your viewpoint: shopping for pleasure and to display wealth. This supports the task response effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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