There was a time when people only shopped out of necessity, but these days shopping seems to have become a new form of leisure activity. People don't appreciate the value of money anymore. To what extent dou you agree with this view?
In the past,
people
only did shopping to fulfil their necessity
. Fix the agreement mistake
necessities
However
, these days people
use shopping as a favourite leisure activity. Some people
believe that people
do not accept the value of money anymore. I completely agree with this
statement because today people
do shopping to statisfy
their Correct your spelling
satisfy
pleasure
, and they want to show
their wealth to others
.
People
want to get pleasure
by doing shopping. Purchasing new things provide
them with Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
pleasure
. They love to explore shopping malls in their spare times
and buy new things. Fix the agreement mistake
time
People
purchase numerous unnecessary products which they do not need. This
costs a huge amount of money to them. For example
, in Australia, the young generation buys unnecessary clothing which they never wear. But those new items in their closet increase their pleasure
. To gain this
pleasure
, they do this
unnecessary shopping.
Moreover
, people
want to show
their materialistic wealth to others
. It is a common trend that those who have more expensive staff, are respected by others
in society. This
trend makes people
obsessed about
shopping. The more they shop, the more they will be respected by Change preposition
with
others
. For instance
, people
want to buy luxury cars and houses to show
their rich lifestyle to others
. They believe that their materialistic wealth makes themselves
presentable in front of Correct pronoun usage
them
others
.
In conclusion, people
love to shop more than the
past because they earn Change preposition
in the
pleasure
from it. People
consider it as
a favourite pastime. Change preposition
apply
Moreover
, people
also
purchase unnecessary stuff because they want to show
their richness to others
.Submitted by rahman_rehana on
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clarity
Some sentences lack clarity due to slightly awkward phrasing. For example, instead of 'new items in their closet increase their pleasure,' consider stating, 'adding new items to their wardrobe brings them joy.' Review your sentences for clarity and smoother readability.
development
While you have provided examples, you might further strengthen your argument by elaborating on the broader implications or consequences of these behaviors. This could help enrich your analysis.
structure
You have a well-structured essay with clear paragraphs for each main idea. The organization enhances readability and understanding.
introduction
Your introduction effectively presents the topic and clearly states your position. It sets a strong foundation for your argument.
content
You successfully identified two main reasons supporting your viewpoint: shopping for pleasure and to display wealth. This supports the task response effectively.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?