IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that money is the best gift for teenagers while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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There is a debate about whether
money
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 is the best gift for youngsters or not.
While
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 there is a negative impact that
money
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 oftentimes can detrimentally influence youngsters' behaviour, I believe that gifting
money
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 can give selection for getting goods which they want.
To begin
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 with, parents think that
money
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 has a great deal of negative aspects to affect
children
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's behaviour. Admittedly, if
children
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 take
money
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 on their
birthday
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, they will spend
money
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 in a bad way, buying harmful products like alcoholic drinks.
For example
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, many health issues are arising because of AIDS which is able to bring about death.
Therefore
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, gifting
money
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 as a present for
children
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 is not a certain way to gain pleasure if they can not spend wisely.
On the other hand
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, in today's fast-paced and convenience-driven world
money
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 has many opportunities to purchase valuable and expensive things. These days a number of people give
children
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's
birthday
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money
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 as a present
instead
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 of getting some kind of thing as a souvenir.
This
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 is exemplified by, Canadian people giving
money
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 to their relatives'
birthday
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 or wedding ceremony so as to enhance the relationship.
In addition
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,
money
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 can pave the path to choosing gifts for themselves,
such
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 as mechanical equipment.
As a result
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 of
this
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, giving
money
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 is not only regarded as respect among all their nation but
also
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 gives a choice to get. In conclusion, giving
money
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 to
children
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 for their
birthday
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 is not appropriate all the time
due to
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 its inconvenience that damages their health condition and behaviour. In my view, there are some positive ways to go for goods if it impacts negatively.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clear and logical progression of ideas throughout the essay to enhance coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Provide more concrete examples and evidence to support the points made, which will strengthen the task response.
task achievement
Avoid abrupt conclusion; ensure it summarizes the main points effectively and reflectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction that outlines the topic clearly, showcasing the ability to set the context for the discussion.
task achievement
Both viewpoints are discussed, demonstrating a complete and balanced response to the essay question.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial responsibility
  • budget
  • save
  • informed spending decisions
  • personal preferences
  • practical and efficient
  • unwanted or inappropriate gifts
  • impersonal
  • emotional value
  • thoughtfulness
  • personal consideration
  • wise financial decisions
  • frivolously
  • lasting memories and experiences
  • educational courses
  • hobby-related equipment
  • long-lasting positive impact
  • fostering interests and skills
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