IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

️ People these days watch TV, films and other programmes alone rather than with other people. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages

#people #tv #films #programmes #development
In modern times,
people
 tend to watch visual programs
individualistically
Replace the word
individually
show examples
 rather than with other
people
. In
this
 essay, I believe the advantages
outweighs
Change the verb form
outweigh
show examples
 the disadvantages of watching TV programs alone.
Firstly
, one of the
benefit
Change to a plural noun
benefits
show examples
 of watching films alone is to fully comprehend the message of the show.
Secondly
, it will help the person concentrate as there will be less distractions from the other
people
.
As a result
, the person will be entertained by a movie rather be interrupted from outside stimulus.
Therefore
 the goal of watching
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
 for relaxation is achieved.
Additionally
, another advantage of watching films or
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
 plays alone can be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
therapy
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a person.
Thus
, by freely expressing the emotions
such
 as sadness, happiness and excitement which is not
minding
Wrong verb form
mind
show examples
 the reactions from other
people
.
For example
,
instead
 of wanting to cry from a sad scene, some
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 try to hold back their emotions as they do not want to be judged by the crowd. On one hand, one of the drawbacks of watching films alone is the threat
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 safety and well-being.
For example
,
emergency
Change preposition
in emergency
show examples
 situations where you need someone's help
such
 as
heart
Correct article usage
a heart
show examples
 attack.
This
 can be fatal and it can
also
 be induced by extreme
form
Fix the agreement mistake
forms
show examples
 of emotion by absorbing the emotion of the movie. In conclusion, watching TV series alone has its own advantages and disadvantages. The advantages
outweighs
Change the verb form
outweigh
show examples
 the disadvantages as it is more beneficial to the society.
Submitted by emmagallares on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure your arguments are fully developed. For instance, further elaboration on why individual viewing can be therapeutic would strengthen your essay.
task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples that clearly relate to your main points, as this will make your arguments more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that idea without deviation.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion. This provides a nice structure for your argument.
task achievement
Your main points are generally clear, providing a good framework for the essay.
coherence cohesion
The thesis statement presents your viewpoint effectively, setting the stage for your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • personal freedom
  • compromise
  • negotiate
  • viewing preferences
  • enhanced focus
  • immerse
  • understanding
  • appreciation
  • independent decision-making
  • autonomy
  • personal responsibility
  • isolation
  • social disconnection
  • loneliness
  • shared viewing experiences
  • bonding opportunities
  • collective experience
  • discussions
  • communal aspect
  • screen time
  • physical and mental health
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