IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Young people who commit serious crimes such as robbery or violent attacks should be punished in the same way as aduls who commit the same crimes. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #robbery #attacks #aduls
In recent days,
serious
Correct article usage
the serious
show examples
crimes
Change the noun form
crime
show examples
 rate committed by young people has increased exponentially.
This
 includes robbery, violent attacks and many more. It has become an alarming concern and
raise
Change the verb form
raises
show examples
 more public scare which disturbs the harmony in society. Some people think that these youngsters should be given the same
punishments
 as
adults
 do and some think that they should be given
a lighter
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lighter punishment
lighter punishments
show examples
punishments
. Young
adults
 should have a
clear cut
Add a hyphen
clear-cut
show examples
 definition
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 category
age
group
. In some countries,
Correct article usage
the Juvenille
show examples
Juvenille
Correct your spelling
juvenile
age
group
 is 21 years of
age
 or less. As we all know,maturity is a very subjective matter. Unfortunately, in general,
this
age
group
 is less mature in both their ways of thinking and emotions. Each case should be judged individually and in
this
 case, the
punishments
 should be reduced to ensure they are being given a second chance to improve
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their quality of
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
show examples
.
On the other hand
, some crimes should be given the same
punishments
 to the
Juvenille
Correct your spelling
Juvenile
 aged
group
 as the
adults
. These are the
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of crimes that
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 caused another person's life or health. In
this
 case, these young
adults
 should know and learn that their action has
a great consequences
Correct the article-noun agreement
great consequences
a great consequence
show examples
 on others. In conclusion,
this
 a complex topic that needs to be discussed
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 great
lenght
Correct your spelling
length
 by the authority.
Punishments
 are there to create awareness and a warning to not do harm to others.
In addition
,
law
Add an article
the law
show examples
 is being created to protect everyone and no one should be put above the law in any circumstances.
Submitted by Nezzy on

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, discussing case studies where young offenders were treated as adults and the impact it had on them could help support your point.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more thoroughly. You briefly discuss the maturity of young offenders and the nature of their crimes, but these points could be expanded to provide clearer insights.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a clearer logical structure. Consider using topic sentences at the start of each paragraph to guide the reader through your arguments more effectively.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of the issue, considering both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and frame the discussion well, offering a good opening to the topic and summarizing the points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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