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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over of two-year period. Summerise the information and reporting the main features, and making comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over of two-year period. Summerise the information and reporting the main features, and making comparisons where relevant.
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The diagram depicts the percentage of graduates who are unemployed aged around 20-24 in two different years; 2008 and 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
female and male unemployed
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
show examples
 are increasing significantly over
two-year
Add an article
a two-year
show examples
 period.
According to
Linking Words
 the diagram,in januaury 2008, the
number
Use synonyms
 of graduates men who are unemployed started at 10
percent
Use synonyms
 and decreased to 7
percent
Use synonyms
 in the next following year.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of graduates women who are unemployed began at 7
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and declined to 6
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. In
october
Change the capitalization
October
show examples
 2008, the
number
Use synonyms
 of men who
do
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
 not have
Add an article
a job
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
are rising
Wrong verb form
rose
show examples
 rapidly
accounted
Wrong verb form
accounting
show examples
 for 16
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. In the same way, the
number
Use synonyms
 of women who do not have
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 are rising rapidly approximately
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
12
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. From
januaury
Correct your spelling
january
 2009 to
july
Change the capitalization
July
show examples
 2009, the majority of
male
Correct article usage
the male
show examples
 unemployed
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
 are stable.
However
Linking Words
, the majority of female
unemployed
Replace the word
unemployment
show examples
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
 are fluctuations which accounted for 8
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, 6
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and 10
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 respectively. Both of the figures
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 peak in
october
Change the capitalization
October
show examples
 2009, the
number
Use synonyms
 of men unemployed
rate is
Verb problem
was
show examples
 22
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and the
number
Use synonyms
 of women unemployed
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 14
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rapidly" was used 2 times.
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