IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Obesity is a serious problen in many countries, especially in such countries discuss ways to solve the problems. Provide specific reasons and examples to support your answer

#obesity #problen #countries #support
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Obesity
 is a serious problem in the world.
Obesity
 is a condition where a person's weight is higher than normal. The person has difficulty or can not fulfil her/his basic needs.
Obesity
 causes serious health problems
such
 as
cholesterol
Correct word choice
high cholesterol
show examples
 or high blood pressure.
Obesity
 is the disease of the technological age. In my opinion,
this
 situation is normal because we do not have enough
time
 to
preaper
Correct your spelling
prepare
 a cook so we order a restaurant or we eat fast food. Fast food is so popular in the USA and we can see from the graphs that
obesity
 is higher in the USA than in other countries. People are very prone to being lazy. We try to fill our stomachs easily and quickly, especially when we are hungry. One of the biggest problems of our age is that we do not have
time
, it is not enough for us and we can not catch up with anything. In fact, we do not know how to manage
time
 and we do not want to leave our comfort zone because we quickly get used to convenience. If we know how to manage
time
 we we can prepare a meal after work. We
also
 have enough
time
 to rest.
For example
, we can allocate our Sunday to meal preparation and prepare the meal that day, put it in vacuum storage containers and store it in the cupboard. After coming from work we can heat the meal and eat it directly
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 so that we have
time
 to rest and eat healthily.
Submitted by kubrairmak287 on

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relevant specific examples
Try to include specific examples and statistics to support your points more effectively. For example, citing how many Americans are affected by obesity compared to other countries can strengthen your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay would benefit from a stronger conclusion. Make sure to clearly restate your main points and give a thoughtful final comment on the topic.
clear comprehensive ideas
Some sentences are awkwardly constructed or have grammatical oversights, such as 'prepare a cook' instead of 'prepare a meal'. Take time to proofread and correct these minor errors to improve readability.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction presents the problem of obesity clearly and sets the stage for discussing solutions.
logical structure
The essay identifies technological age eating habits as a main cause of obesity, providing a logical transition to potential solutions.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay offers a practical solution (meal preparation on Sunday) which directly addresses one of the identified problems.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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