The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. To what extent do you agree?

Hello everyone, As we know
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
growing number of overweight people is
putting
Verb problem
having
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negative
Add an article
a negative
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impact on our
health
system,so
i
Change the capitalization
I
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am completely
agreeing
Wrong verb form
agree
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with
this
point that
education
or
Correct your spelling
awareness
awarness
Correct your spelling
awareness
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
Correct article usage
a vital
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vital
Correct article usage
a vital
show examples
role
in every field and
education
can bring change in any kind of environment, as we can solve
this
issue with
education
like we can arrange some various kind of
awareness
public camps in which we can introduce some free medical camps we can arrange some doctors with help of
doctors with help of
Remove the redundancy
apply
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government
sponsership
Correct your spelling
sponsorship
so they can help in
create
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creating
show examples
awareness
as they can provide free consultation and few medical
test
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tests
show examples
in
this
people attract towards these camps and
moreover
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moreover,
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we can
also
promote
health
awareness
through some booklets which can we provide them
some
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with some
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kind of social public places, acc to the
education
not only related to for
health
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the health
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of school we can
associated
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associate
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with some extra
activities
so it can create
popel
Correct your spelling
propel
people
popular
interest in
this
issue. But
education
in school
carriculm aslo
Correct your spelling
curriculum also
playts
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plays
vital
role
as
todays
Correct your spelling
today
generation is our
buildes
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builders
builds
of
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
society if we try to create
awarness
Correct your spelling
awareness
among them through different modes and
activities
, they can realize
importance
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the importance
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of physical fitness, so in
this
Add a comma
this,
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they can get
awareness
good
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of good
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diet and physical
activities
.
and
Change preposition
At and
show examples
same time we
cna
Correct your spelling
can
also
provide
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
more
arrangement
Fix the agreement mistake
arrangements
show examples
and
activities
in their schools
those
Correct pronoun usage
that
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are directly related to their physical fitness. As we know
health
play
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
show examples
role
, our lives and program completely depend on
health
we can teach
difference
Add an article
the difference
show examples
of
Change preposition
between
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healthy and lifestyle to them so they can choose
right
Add an article
the right
a right
show examples
pathway
of
Change preposition
to
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physical fitness. As we know
awareness
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
key
Correct article usage
a key
show examples
role
. as prevention is better than cure, so if we can create
this
awareness
Correct your spelling
through
thrugh
Correct your spelling
through
physical
education
by conducting
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
services
ro
Correct your spelling
we
can connect
education
with marketing like more posters
Submitted by jugnavi139 on

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coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical structure by organizing the essay into clear paragraphs, such as introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on a specific idea or argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure to include a strong conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your position on the topic.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to illustrate your points and strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Consider expanding on each idea with clearer examples and evidence for why education and awareness efforts will benefit the healthcare system.
task response
You have addressed the task requirement by discussing the role of education in addressing the issue of overweight people on the healthcare system.
task response
Your essay attempts to link physical education in schools with long-term health benefits, which is a relevant argument to the prompt.
task response
You made a valuable point about involving the younger generation, as they are future builders of society.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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