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Band 4.5

Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. What do you think is the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development?

#forms #leisure #activity #countries #adults #reason #development
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The feeling of excitement from shopping is without a doubt a wonderful experience to enjoy. For that reason, many youngsters now resort to shopping as a form of leisure
activity
. In my opinion, shopping can give both positive and negative
form
Fix the agreement mistake
forms
show examples
 of development. It can build a person's confidence but it can
also
 be hazardous to
ones
Change noun form
one's
show examples
 future if done recklessly. Shopping builds confidence.
For example
, when you buy new clothes and look good in
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
, you will automatically feel good. People feel confident and empowered when they feel good about themselves.
This
 is undeniably a positive way to develop a good and strong character. Unfortunately, at times shopping becomes an excuse
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 every life problems which
at the end
 of the day does not solve the core issue that a person is struggling with and
this
 creates dependency. Other
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 that, shopping is a good leisure
activity
 if we compare
to
Correct pronoun usage
it to
show examples
 young adults that resort to drugs and violence. It is a rather safe leisure
activity
.
However
, some young adults spend recklessly using credit cards. Not only
this
 can become an addiction but
this
also
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
 them
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
constant financial debt. In summary, to be able to purchase our desired wants and needs is a
privellage
Correct your spelling
privilege
. It has both good and bad
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our development. If done smartly and
according to
 our means, it is without a doubt a pleasurable
activity
.
Submitted by Nezzy on

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task response
Ensure all main ideas are directly linked to the question asked. Discuss and elaborate reasons more clearly and in detail.
task response
Use more specific examples to illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
Make transition between ideas smoother to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The essay presents balanced views on the topic, considering both positive and negative aspects.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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