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Band 7.5

too much emphasis is given for education of students. more government should be spent on free time activities for young people. to what extent do agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #students #government #time #activities #people
In today’s rapidly changing world, students encounter a lot of pressure, especially in
education
thus
 more
funds
 from the
government
 should be spent on their leisure activities is a topic of debate. Some argue more
government
 money should be allocated their finance to pupils’ free time activities. I firmly believe that prioritization by its necessity can greatly balance outcomes and achievements.
Firstly
,
education
 encourages youngsters to achieve a better future. Many job vacancies require a high standard degree and added value for applicants.
Moreover
, job seekers in a lot of countries have been increasing in recent years, in consequence, there will be more competition for graduated students to pursue their careers. By allocating
government
funds
 to
education
, pupils can focus on their studies with good facilities and programs, impacting the quality of graduated students.
Furthermore
,
government
 money can be distributed their
funds
 to improve pupil’s soft skills.
For instance
, giving them a lot of chances for student broad exchange and providing communication training will give advantages to adolescents to prepare themselves to face the world after finishing university. Some argue that pushing pupils with activities that are educational can be detrimental to mental issues. It is important to assist their psychology by providing psychiatrists in each university or people who are capable of tackling
this
 issue. With
this
 program, it can give benefits and balance
education
 to achieve the betterment of
education
. In conclusion, distributing the
government
’s
funds
 on educational programs offers undeniable advantages. Providing hard and soft skills will increase individual quality of life. As we move forward, governments
also
 should assist their youngsters, especially those with mental issues
therefore
 countries can develop the quality of their youngster’s life.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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clear comprehensive ideas
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relevant specific examples
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introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a well-structured introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument effectively.
logical structure
The essay maintains a logical flow with each paragraph contributing to the overall argument.
complete response
You have covered multiple aspects of the issue, including the advantages of education funding and the importance of mental well-being.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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