IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 254 words.

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In
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 modern days, the
usage
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 is undeniably important. Even children use
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 to complete their school
assignment
Fix the agreement mistake
assignments
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. It is agreed
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however
Add the comma(s)
, however
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, that using
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 daily
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 more negative than positive
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
show examples
. It can lead to addiction,
as well as
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 poor
implication
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implications
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to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 health.
Firstly
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, uncontrolled
usage
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 of
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 could
caused
Change the verb form
cause
be caused
show examples
 a child to be
dependant
Replace the word
dependent
show examples
 on technology.
For example
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, children who
lacks
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lack
show examples
 parental supervision
tends
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
 to use
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 every second of every day. They will be engaged in their own world using
Use synonyms
computer
Correct article usage
the computer
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 even during meals and when it is being taken from them, some might throw
tanthrums
Correct your spelling
tantrums
.
Hence
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,
while
Linking Words
 some children can be controlled by their parents to limit screen time, most might be affected by the negative impact of
computer
Use synonyms
usage
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.
Secondly
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,
computer
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 leads to
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
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 lifestyle.
For instance
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, many kids if not all, enjoy playing games on their
computer
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.
This
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 will take up hours on their games on the
computer
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instead
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 of playing outside and interacting with their friends. Not only
this
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 can
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to obesity but it can
also
Linking Words
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to poor social skills.
Therefore
Linking Words
, daily
usage
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 can lead to poor health
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
show examples
. In summary,
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 become an important means
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 teaching and learning at school. Unfortunately, daily
usage
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 might cause addiction and ill-effect on health.
Hence
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, it is important that strict parental guidance
been
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 taken to reduce and avoid these poor outcomes.

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task achievement
In your introduction, clearly state your stance on the topic. Although you mentioned that using computers every day has more negatives, you can add a stronger thesis statement to guide the essay more explicitly.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or evidence to support your points. This will not only strengthen your argument but also enhance your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing your logical structure by using varied transition words and phrases to create smoother transitions between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Consider reorganizing your paragraphs slightly to make the cause-effect relationships more clear and more logically connected. This will improve the coherence and make the essay flow better.
task achievement
The essay presents a consistent viewpoint that is maintained throughout, with a clear agreement on the negative effects of daily computer use.
task achievement
You have correctly identified and explained two major negative effects of daily computer use: addiction and sedentary lifestyle, showing a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
Clear signposting phrases are used at the beginning of each paragraph, which aids in the easy navigation of the essay’s main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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