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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Writing task 1Writing task 2 You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic. Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 254 words.

#minutes #topic #computer #effects #children
In
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 modern days, the
usage
 of
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 is undeniably important. Even children use
computer
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computers
show examples
 to complete their school
assignment
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assignments
show examples
. It is agreed
however
Add the comma(s)
, however
show examples
, that using
computer
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computers
show examples
 daily
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 more negative than positive
outcome
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outcomes
show examples
. It can lead to addiction,
as well as
 poor
implication
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implications
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
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 health.
Firstly
, uncontrolled
usage
 of
computer
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computers
show examples
 could
caused
Change the verb form
cause
be caused
show examples
 a child to be
dependant
Replace the word
dependent
show examples
 on technology.
For example
, children who
lacks
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lack
show examples
 parental supervision
tends
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tend
show examples
 to use
computer
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computers
show examples
 every second of every day. They will be engaged in their own world using
computer
Correct article usage
the computer
show examples
 even during meals and when it is being taken from them, some might throw
tanthrums
Correct your spelling
tantrums
.
Hence
,
while
 some children can be controlled by their parents to limit screen time, most might be affected by the negative impact of
computer
usage
.
Secondly
,
computer
 leads to
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle.
For instance
, many kids if not all, enjoy playing games on their
computer
.
This
 will take up hours on their games on the
computer
instead
 of playing outside and interacting with their friends. Not only
this
 can
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to obesity but it can
also
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to poor social skills.
Therefore
, daily
usage
 of
computer
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computers
show examples
 can lead to poor health
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
show examples
. In summary,
computer
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computers
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 become an important means
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 teaching and learning at school. Unfortunately, daily
usage
 of
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 might cause addiction and ill-effect on health.
Hence
, it is important that strict parental guidance
been
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 taken to reduce and avoid these poor outcomes.
Submitted by Nezzy on

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task achievement
In your introduction, clearly state your stance on the topic. Although you mentioned that using computers every day has more negatives, you can add a stronger thesis statement to guide the essay more explicitly.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or evidence to support your points. This will not only strengthen your argument but also enhance your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing your logical structure by using varied transition words and phrases to create smoother transitions between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Consider reorganizing your paragraphs slightly to make the cause-effect relationships more clear and more logically connected. This will improve the coherence and make the essay flow better.
task achievement
The essay presents a consistent viewpoint that is maintained throughout, with a clear agreement on the negative effects of daily computer use.
task achievement
You have correctly identified and explained two major negative effects of daily computer use: addiction and sedentary lifestyle, showing a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
Clear signposting phrases are used at the beginning of each paragraph, which aids in the easy navigation of the essay’s main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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