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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that is good to share as much information as possible and scientific research businesses and the academic world others believe that some information is too important or two valuable to be shared freely discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #information #research #businesses #world #two
Nowadays,
reaching
Verb problem
apply
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scientific
research
has been in need
Wrong verb form
is needed
show examples
, especially with all the
technology
Replace the word
technological
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advancement
Fix the agreement mistake
advancements
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 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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new discoveries.
Although
 many
people
 believe it's important to get
financial
Correct article usage
a financial
show examples
 reward to publish it, I personally believe sharing
this
 valuable information for free is more beneficial to
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
. On the one hand, every individual has the right to get
reward
Add an article
a reward
the reward
show examples
 when he gives
Correct article usage
a favor
show examples
favor
Change the spelling
favour
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 or works hard to achieve something that has a significant value. When
people
 achieve something, they need to feel evaluated. That will encourage them to
work
 harder and pursue their upcoming plans, especially if they
work
 in
academic
Correct article usage
an academic
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 field, where there is
a
Correct article usage
apply
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high competition.
Additionally
,
research
Correct article usage
a research
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 paper needs a specific amount of money to be published, as well
the
Correct word choice
as the
show examples
research
 process and the experimental expenditure.
For example
, many new researchers can't get enough financial support and they lean toward their own incomes, and that could burden them
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 unless they are already wealthy.
On the other hand
, publishing
education
Replace the word
educational
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 material, especially scientific
research
,
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to
evolved
Correct article usage
an evolved
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community
.
However
, many teenagers have increased their interest in reading
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
scientific materials and new
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
, and their only chance to reach knowledge by access to
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 and get it freely.
Also
, an increasing amount of
people
 who have limited incomes need these studies for their
work
 or personal development.
As a result
, they would contribute important information to
whole
Add an article
the whole
show examples
community
.
To conclude
,
while
 it's important to support
researcher
Fix the agreement mistake
researchers
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 financially to keep them doing their great
work
, it's important to let other
people
 get access to
these valuable thesis
Change the determiner
this valuable thesis
these valuable theses
show examples
 to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in their own
research
, which would eventually benefit
whole
Add an article
the whole
show examples
community
 in many different aspects.
Submitted by adianalmozan on

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coherence
Ensure consistency in vocabulary. Instead of 'value' and 'valuable' being used interchangeably, ensure there's a clear connection to the context, perhaps introducing terms like 'intellectual value' or 'monetary value'.
task response
When stating benefits or challenges, always aim to expand on them. Adding statistics or specific studies could enhance your discussion, especially for points on how free information aids community.
coherence
Organize paragraphs with clear topic sentences to help guide the reader. While your introduction is clear, some paragraphs need stronger starting statements summarizing the main point of discussion.
coherence
Your conclusion successfully captures the essence of both sides and clearly states your stand, showing a balanced view.
task response
You presented an argument that shows awareness of differing viewpoints, which strengthens the discussion of the topic.
coherence
The essay appropriately introduces the topic, ensuring the reader understands the topic's relevance today.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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