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Band 7

Most people today communicate using mobile phones and computers, and this has affected their need to meet face- to- face. Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantage

#people #phones #computers #face- #to- #face #development
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In recent years, the use of digital devices,
such
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 as smartphones and computers, has popular among the majority of individuals, potentially affecting the need to meet face-to-face communication.
Although
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this
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 phenomenon can lead to flexibility, I believe that the drawbacks of using electronic gadgets,
such
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 as increasing physical
health
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 issues far outweigh the benefits. On the positive side, the use of electronic gadgets has increased flexibility.
Due to
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 hectic lives,
people
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 are often unable to devote their
time
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 to spending with friends and families.
This
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 rise in mobile phone use allows
people
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 to communicate at their own pace and
according to
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 their schedule, making it easier to balance education with other commitments.
Additionally
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, another advantage is accessibility.
People
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 are capable of engaging with others worldwide, regardless of location. On the flip side, the emergence of digital tools has increased physical
health
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 problems. As
people
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 allocate a considerable their
time
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 to using these devices, they may adopt a sedentary lifestyle over
time
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.
This
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 excessive screen
time
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 can lead to individuals developing physical
health
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 issues,
such
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 as obesity and cardiovascular disease.
Moreover
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, another disadvantage could be social isolation. Engaging with social media platforms can overshadow one’s life, as individuals minimize their interaction and communication with others.
Therefore
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, they may struggle with mental
health
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 consequences like anxiety and detachment. In conclusion,
while
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 it is important to acknowledge the benefits they may offer, including flexibility and accessibility, I believe that the disadvantages of employing computers and smartphones,
such
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 as social isolation and physical
health
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 problems outweigh the drawbacks.
Submitted by hongminh317 on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention a study or a personal anecdote that illustrates the negative health impacts of using electronic devices.
coherence cohesion
Enhance smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas. This can be done by using linking words or phrases such as 'furthermore', 'moreover', and 'on the other hand' consistently.
task achievement
The essay effectively introduces the topic and offers a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion, closely aligning with the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
The essay logically discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of mobile and computer communication, showing a balanced view.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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