IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Most people today communicate using mobile phones and computers, and this has affected their need to meet face- to- face. Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantage

#people #phones #computers #face- #to- #face #development
In recent years, the use of digital devices,
such
 as smartphones and computers, has popular among the majority of individuals, potentially affecting the need to meet face-to-face communication.
Although
this
 phenomenon can lead to flexibility, I believe that the drawbacks of using electronic gadgets,
such
 as increasing physical
health
 issues far outweigh the benefits. On the positive side, the use of electronic gadgets has increased flexibility.
Due to
 hectic lives,
people
 are often unable to devote their
time
 to spending with friends and families.
This
 rise in mobile phone use allows
people
 to communicate at their own pace and
according to
 their schedule, making it easier to balance education with other commitments.
Additionally
, another advantage is accessibility.
People
 are capable of engaging with others worldwide, regardless of location. On the flip side, the emergence of digital tools has increased physical
health
 problems. As
people
 allocate a considerable their
time
 to using these devices, they may adopt a sedentary lifestyle over
time
.
This
 excessive screen
time
 can lead to individuals developing physical
health
 issues,
such
 as obesity and cardiovascular disease.
Moreover
, another disadvantage could be social isolation. Engaging with social media platforms can overshadow one’s life, as individuals minimize their interaction and communication with others.
Therefore
, they may struggle with mental
health
 consequences like anxiety and detachment. In conclusion,
while
 it is important to acknowledge the benefits they may offer, including flexibility and accessibility, I believe that the disadvantages of employing computers and smartphones,
such
 as social isolation and physical
health
 problems outweigh the drawbacks.
Submitted by hongminh317 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention a study or a personal anecdote that illustrates the negative health impacts of using electronic devices.
coherence cohesion
Enhance smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas. This can be done by using linking words or phrases such as 'furthermore', 'moreover', and 'on the other hand' consistently.
task achievement
The essay effectively introduces the topic and offers a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion, closely aligning with the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
The essay logically discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of mobile and computer communication, showing a balanced view.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: