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Band 6

Too much emphasis is given for the education of students . More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people . To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#emphasis #education #students #government #money #time #activities #people
If the
government
 spend more money on education
instead
 of free time
activities
 which are related to teenagers could have a bad impact in the future . Children should learn their lesson rather than entertaining
activities
 which are not interesting for them . There are advantages when the
government
 spends more money on free
activities
 for the young generation . Entertaining
activities
 will help to students for relaxing
then
 they will take enough energy and motivation which is leading the best results for studying .
For example
 , if there is a break for students with extra
activities
such
 as going to other places like theme parks , online game clubs etc.
Therefore
 They should be responsible for
this kind
Fix the agreement mistake
these kinds
show examples
 of
activities
 which can create interest and make improvements for their future .
On the other hand
 , Education is one of the most important and necessary for our life , for that we have not spent time on other
activities
 even seconds will be useful . The world is developing and going to
difficult
Add a missing verb
be difficult
show examples
 for people who do not have enough knowledge to use technology.
Therefore
, the
Government
 must pay attention to children's training . Because
There
Fix capitalization
there
show examples
 are a lot of facts which are better for learners. One of them is reading that reading more books will cause for sharper brain . At the same time , they will not be free and they will not have choices like smoking , fighting with someone or being a criminal .
Overall
 , the
government
 must organise a lot of
activities
 or make awards which can make interest students learning ,
although
 they will not enjoy life .
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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language
Try to improve your range of vocabulary. Use synonyms to avoid repetition and to make your writing more engaging.
coherence
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and stick to it throughout the paragraph.
task
Present ideas in a more balanced way. Consider both sides of the argument more equally to demonstrate critical thinking.
task
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which gives your essay a balanced start.
coherence
You have made an effort to connect your ideas logically, which helps in creating a flow.
task
Your essay includes relevant examples, which help to clarify and support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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