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Writing Samples
Band 7

Childood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsilbility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statement?

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in the present world, the number of
children
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 who are obese is increasing tremendously in Australia which is rather over a quarter of
children
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's rate.
Schools
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 are in charge of observing
ethier
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their
 students' diets and the amount of their physical activities. I readily agree that it is
schools
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' duty to prevent
children
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 from eating unhealthy
food
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 and being inactive. Having lived in the city,
children
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 may suffer from a great deal of diseases which are not easy to cure
such
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 as obesity. when
children
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 attend school, they might spend at least half of their time there.
Thus
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, it is too dangerous for them unless they are forced to eat junk
food
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 during school time.
Instead
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 of providing unhealthy
food
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 to
children
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, they should be given healthy
food
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 in canteens and buffets. To illustrate, Chips and puffs should not be allowed to be eaten because they are more likely to spoil
children
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's appetites.
In addition
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, because of the city lifestyle, students' lives have turned out to be sedentary, meaning that they may lead a life without any physical activities, triggering them to stay home in order to sleep or watch television.
However
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, they can be monitored by the authorities, thanks to classes with regard to sports, and in
this
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 way, they can kill two birds with one stone.
In other words
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, not only do they attend
schools
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 to learn new skills, but they are
also
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 being taught to do physical activities.
To conclude
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, obesity turns out to be problematic for
children
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 in Australia. I am of the firm belief that
schools
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 are responsible for preventing the increase in the obesity rate in
children
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 by restricting the usage of junk
food
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 and obliging them to exercise so they would have healthier lifestyles.

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relevant specific examples
Try to further elaborate on the example provided about limiting unhealthy food in school cafeterias. Providing specific examples of healthy alternatives or successful programs in Australian schools could enhance the point.
complete response
Include a brief discussion on the potential challenges or counterarguments regarding schools' responsibility in managing students' diet and exercise. Addressing these can strengthen the overall argument.
introduction conclusion present
The essay clearly introduces the topic and presents a firm stance on the issue, which helps guide the reader through the argument.
logical structure
The logical flow between the causes of childhood obesity and the school's responsibility is clear and easy to follow, contributing to coherence and cohesion.
supported main points
The essay successfully raises the issue of sedentary lifestyles and links it to the need for schools to implement physical activities, providing a balanced argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • monitor
  • responsibility
  • nutrition
  • physical activities
  • primary responsibility
  • complement
  • mandatory
  • limiting
  • availability
  • junk food
  • canteens
  • collaborative efforts
  • comprehensive approach
  • limitations
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