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Band 5.5

Some people are of the view that only university education can ensure success, whereas many others oppose this view. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #university #education #success
It is often argued that the only path to prosperity is through academia. Whilst
this
 is a very popular notion, I am completely set against it. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will express my reasons in the impending paragraphs.
To begin
 with, there are numerous reasons for that. Primarily, in
this
 economy you do not necessarily have to have a university degree to win a
job
oppurtunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
. If you look at different groups of people in
thid
Correct your spelling
this
 society, it is absolutely evident that successful people come from all walks of life.
For instance
, the former president
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 my country had only finished
the
Correct article usage
apply
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elementary education. What is more, the owners of big companies
such
 as Apple or Tesla can be mentioned who do not have high academic accomplishments. Ultimately, it is possible to be qualified for a
job
 with other kinds of qualifications or working experience.
Further
, it is noteworthy that most
of
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apply
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employers prioritize experiences and soft skills to educational background in a person’s resume.
For instance
, I myself had the same experience. I had been trying to find a suitable
job
 for months but the
recruitors
Correct your spelling
recruiters
recruiter
 kept rejecting me.
Then
 I put some time
learning
Change preposition
into learning
show examples
 some practical skills and the result was much more satisfying.
This
 is rational as employers look for staff that are handy and useful and are able to adjust themselves quickly in a working atmosphere.
To conclude
, unlike what many believe, education is not the only way to become successful. It is
due to
 the fact that practical skills take precedence and it is not essential to have a degree in order to find a
job
 these days anymore.
Submitted by ad8334480 on

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task achievement
Ensure the essay fully addresses both view points equally before presenting your own opinion, giving a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the conclusion by restating both sides of the argument briefly alongside your own view.
language
Pay attention to small language inaccuracies, such as spelling mistakes ('oppurtunity' should be 'opportunity') and use of 'recruiters' instead of 'recruitors'.
coherence cohesion
The introduction successfully sets the stage for the essay and clearly states your position, providing a good start to your discussion.
task achievement
The essay provides solid examples to support your views, such as referencing well-known company owners and personal experiences with job search, enhancing task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Good use of transitional terms and phrases, like 'To begin with', 'Primarily', and 'Further', helps maintain a logical flow and coherence.
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