IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Childood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsilbility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statement?

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In
Australia
Add a comma
Australia,
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 one of the emerging
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
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 is childhood obesity, where almost more than 67%
infants
Change preposition
of infants
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 are now overweight. I certainly agree with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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many people,
where
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who
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they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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think that educational institutions have a duty to regulate their eating habits
as well as
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their
Change the word
the
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timing
Replace the word
time
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 spent on physical education.
To begin
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 with, one of the main reasons
of
Change preposition
for
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increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
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 body mass index (BMI) value among the pupils in
this
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 modern
word
Correct your spelling
world
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 is
due to
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 unconsciousness by most of the family members. As
students
Use synonyms
 have the tendency to obey most
of
Change preposition
apply
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school norms and regulations,
so
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apply
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teachers should
bound
Wrong verb form
bind
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 them
by
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with
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 a diet chart
for
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apply
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each
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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, which will enable
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 to control their weight.
For instance
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,
a
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in a
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recent study conducted in 80 army children schools, where it
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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found that above 87
percentage
Correct your spelling
per cent of
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childrens
Correct your spelling
children's
children
 BMI values were in
right
Correct article usage
the right
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 positions,
may
Correct pronoun usage
which may
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 be
due to
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 some strict regulations.
Moreover
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, schools
is
Change the verb form
are
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 the only place
students
Use synonyms
 get
motivations
Fix the agreement mistake
motivation
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 not only from their teachers but
also
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 from their classmates. If one pupil
control
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controls
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him
Correct pronoun usage
his
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/her diet, another will
definately
Correct your spelling
definitely
 try to follow him/her.
For example
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, it is common
in
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for
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 Bengali
students
Use synonyms
 to attend
in
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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gym sessions following his/her batchmates.
However
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, school
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
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 should create a monitoring sheet, it can be both online or offline, to collect data on a regular basis adding
BMI
Correct article usage
a BMI
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 calculator
on
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apply
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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so that any can easily understand what to do to control themselves.
In addition
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, it is the best place to suggest
diet
Correct article usage
a diet
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chart
Fix the agreement mistake
charts
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 and it is
also
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 possible to offer courses
how
Change preposition
on how
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 to keep fit
their
Change preposition
in their
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 body. In conclusion, to get quality
students
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, as it is related to
found
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finding
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best
Correct article usage
the best
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 quality graduates,
by
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apply
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the school management body, it is necessary to give attention to
Use synonyms
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
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 health.
For
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this
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 reason, they should offer free
gymnesium
Correct your spelling
gymnasium
, courses
as well as
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bound
Wrong verb form
bind
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 themselves in some laws.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay effectively introduces the issue and provides a conclusion; however, ensure that each paragraph clearly supports your main argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to clarify your main points and ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea for stronger coherence.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more thoroughly. Your essay provides some relevant examples, but expanding on these with more detail would enhance your argument.
task achievement
While your main ideas are relevant, working on stating them more clearly and logically will improve clarity.
task achievement
Your essay opens with a clear statement of agreement, setting the stage for the discussion.
task achievement
You include a relevant statistic to underscore the seriousness of the obesity issue.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and contribute effectively to the essay's structure.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • monitor
  • responsibility
  • nutrition
  • physical activities
  • primary responsibility
  • complement
  • mandatory
  • limiting
  • availability
  • junk food
  • canteens
  • collaborative efforts
  • comprehensive approach
  • limitations
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