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Writing Samples
Band 6

The diagrams below show the changes that have taken place at Queen Mary Hospital since its construction in 1960.

The diagrams below show the changes that have taken place at Queen Mary Hospital since its construction in 1960.
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The diagram illustrates the development
at
Change preposition
of
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 Queen Mary Hospital since its establishment in 1960.
Overall
Linking Words
, the main
changes
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 to the hospital took place in 1980
while
Linking Words
 only minor
changes
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 occurred in 2000. In 1960, there were two locations: a shopping
centre
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 and farmland where people could go next to the hospital.
However
Linking Words
, in 1980, both the shopping
centre
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 and farmland were demolished and
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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replaced with a
cancer
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centre
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 and nursing school respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
cancer
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centre
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 was smaller than the shopping
centre
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while
Linking Words
 the nursing school was a similar size to the farmland.
In addition
Linking Words
, the hospital expanded to include a pharmacy next to the
cancer
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centre
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. In 2000, there were only
changes
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 in the sizes of locations, but no major
changes
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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took place at the hospital. The hospital and pharmacy remained unchanged
while
Linking Words
 the nursing school was reduced in size to accommodate the upsize of the
cancer
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centre
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, which took up the space that the nursing
centre
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 was located at in 1980.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the car park became smaller
comparison
Change preposition
in comparison
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 to its size in 1960 and 1980.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words changes, centre, cancer with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • renovation
  • expansion
  • modernization
  • facilities
  • departments
  • adjacent structures
  • patient care
  • medical technology
  • specialized centers
  • eco-friendly initiatives
  • initial layout
  • construction
  • extensions
  • improvements
  • community health services
  • capabilities
  • repurposing
  • developments
  • efficiency
  • upgrades
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