IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The top priority of businesses is making money, and they do not need to have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#priority #businesses #money #responsibilities
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Some individuals claim that
businesses
 should
focus
 on enhancing economic ability
instead
 of having social responsibilities. Personally, I totally disagree with
this
 suggestion based on some reasons that
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will explain in
this
 essay below. On the one hand, we can not deny that prioritizing to improve financial ability plays an important role in the business's development. In
this
 era, when the requirement of satisfying consumer demand of consumer and market quality increases day by day
as well as
 the challenge of fierce competition between
businesses
 not only domestically but
also
 expanding in the global market, most companies and private
businesses
 must cope with the financial burden seriously. They not only need to
focus
 on the cost of launching new products but
also
 must
focus
 on facilitating a working environment for the workforce, which guarantees the effective outcome of productivity and quality. In some perspectives, paying attention to both social duty and the company’s profits is out of control for company authority and can cause undevelopment in a company or even disruption.
On the other hand
,
although
 focusing on earning money in business has these reasons, companies must be responsible for the existing issues in society. First and foremost, there are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social responsibilities that are not divided between individuals or
businesses
, having duties with the society reflects our humanity. Nowadays, the world is facing many problems
such
 as famine, infectious diseases, and increasing criminal phenomena that are out of the government's control, and these can be solved quickly if the government has solid support from the community.
Hence
 for a standard community, responsibility in the society is vital that
businesses
 need awareness truly and specific actions as residents right in the nation’s regulation records. In conclusion,
although
 it seems logical that
businesses
 should
focus
 only on enhancing companies’ profits, they need to have community responsibilities as what the government’s regulations offer for their personal
benefits
Fix the agreement mistake
benefit
show examples
.
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task response
Ensure that examples provided are specific and relevant to strengthen your argument. For instance, mention real-life businesses that have successfully managed to balance profit-making with social responsibilities.
coherence
Work on smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve flow. This will enhance the reader's ability to follow your argument.
task response
The essay provides a clear position in response to the task question, which is consistently maintained throughout.
coherence
The introduction outlines the writer's position effectively, and the conclusion summarizes the main arguments logically.
cohesion
The essay is well-organized with appropriate paragraphing, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • profit maximization
  • economic development
  • Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR)
  • shareholders
  • moral obligation
  • reputation
  • customer loyalty
  • sustainable business models
  • accountability
  • ethical practices
  • regulations
  • consumer expectations
  • economic sustainability
  • stakeholders
  • social impact
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