IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some prents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys ?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
some people believe that giving
toy
Fix the agreement mistake
toys
show examples
 to their
children
Use synonyms
 will increase their
intelegence
Correct your spelling
intelligence
. should the
parents
Use synonyms
 give many
toys
Use synonyms
 to
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
? some
parents
Use synonyms
 argue that giving books to the
children
Use synonyms
 is more than giving the
toys
Use synonyms
 to the
children
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 do not have to give a large number of
toys
Use synonyms
 to their
children
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because can
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
impact
Correct article usage
an impact
show examples
 on
character
Correct article usage
the character
show examples
 and behaviour of
children
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as less
socialize
Replace the word
socialising
show examples
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their friends. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will explain about advantages and disadvantages of
children
Use synonyms
 having a large number of
toys
Use synonyms
.  nowadays,
parents
Use synonyms
 tend to give
toys
Use synonyms
 to their
children
Use synonyms
 just because they want their
children
Use synonyms
 can play alone, so many
parent
Change to a plural noun
parents
show examples
giving
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
toys
Use synonyms
 as much as they can,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 it can
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 negative effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
parents
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, a child really hard to communicate very well
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 people because they only focus on playing with the
toys
Use synonyms
,
secondly
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
do not like to read books and prefer to playing some
toys
Use synonyms
, and it could be dangerous if the
toys
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not safe for
children
Use synonyms
 just because the ingredients of the
toys
Use synonyms
 or there are small
toys
Use synonyms
 and the
children
Use synonyms
 can swallow it, so when the
children
Use synonyms
 playing some
toys
Use synonyms
 the parent have to focus on maintaining it. 
on the other hand
Linking Words
, many people buy
toys
Use synonyms
 just because they want to increase their
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
ability
Fix the agreement mistake
abilities
show examples
 and they want their
children
Use synonyms
only
Fix the infinitive
to only
show examples
 focus on playing with
toys
Use synonyms
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
show examples
Add an article
a gadget
show examples
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
. In conclusion, it is
okey
Correct your spelling
okay
 if
parents
Use synonyms
 give
toys
Use synonyms
 to their
children
Use synonyms
, but not
to
Replace the word
too
show examples
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
 because if the
children
Use synonyms
 have a lot of
toys
Use synonyms
 it can
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
affect
Correct your spelling
effect
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
 like
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 really hard to socialize with other
children
Use synonyms
,
besides
Linking Words
 that
children
Use synonyms
 can increase they skill like
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
thay
Correct your spelling
they
 will do not like to read books.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Try to organize your essay with clear paragraphs that address specific points in a logical sequence. Improve transitions between ideas to help the reader follow your argument easily.
task achievement
Ensure that all your main points are well supported with relevant examples or explanations. For instance, provide specific examples of toys that encourage or discourage particular behaviors.
task achievement
Improve the grammar and spelling in your essay by carefully proofreading your work before submission. This will help to convey your ideas more clearly and professionally.
coherence cohesion
You introduced the topic and stated your position clearly at the beginning of the essay, which helped set the context.
task achievement
You recognized both the advantages and disadvantages of the topic, showing a balanced view which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • creativity
  • stimulate
  • imagination
  • creative play
  • motor skills
  • problem-solving
  • independent play
  • self-sufficient
  • overwhelm
  • deep engagement
  • appreciation
  • value
  • scarcity
  • social interaction
  • social development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: