Some people believe that if an individual behaves in an anti-social manner, such as committing a crime, then society is to blame. What are the causes of anti-social behavior? Who do you think is responsible?
It is argued that society is the reason behind the dangerous attitude that comes from
people
. I believe that the main cause of this
issue is the increasing number of mental illnesses among society members, and parents are responsible for solving this
problem.
People
who suffer from mental health problems have more tendency to commit a crime, this
is because mental issues prevent the brain from logical thinking to function in the right way ,as a
result
they will struggle to recognize the right and wrong behaviour to do, and will increase the number of social crimes. Add a comma
result,
For example
, addiction is considered one of the most common mental illnesses in the world, and people
who are addicted to drugs are the ones who behave in an anti-social manner.
Parents play such
an important role in this
case, because of their choice of parenting style. If the caretakers use unhealthy parenting methods such
as violence, the child will be more familiar with violent attitudes, and this
will lead the child to become a criminal in the future. Due you
to the fact that the environment a kid Correct pronoun usage
apply
grow
in can determine a lot of his/her personality. Correct subject-verb agreement
grows
For example
, a recent study shows that a child observes the mother's attitude and is more willing to copy it without being aware of that.
To conclude
, many people
believe that the cause of community crimes is society, while
I believe that popular mental issues are the reason behind that, and parents are a huge part of such
an issue.Submitted by noufxmut on
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports a central idea related to the thesis. Although the essay presents a clear argument, further development of each idea with additional examples or explanations could enhance clarity and argument strength.
task achievement
Expand on the point about mental health, providing more statistical data or case studies to strengthen the argument. Similarly, more details about how parenting influences behavior could deepen the insight provided.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic by addressing the causes of anti-social behavior and discussing societal versus parental responsibility. The main points are well organized and easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion succinctly summarizes the writer’s position, wrapping up the argument neatly.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite