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Band 5.5

Many people today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. What are the causes? Do you think this will be the case in the future?

#people #home #case #future
There seems to be a debatable issue in which more and more individuals lose their sense of
security
 in both the inside and outside worlds.
This
 might be induced
due to
 frequent crimes and a lack of
self-defense
Change the spelling
self-defence
show examples
 skills, no matter how
skeptical
Change the spelling
sceptical
show examples
 others feel. Now, I will make the issue clear in order to arrive at the
last
 but not least conclusion. First and foremost, murder, muggers, and pickpockets make individuals lose their life
security
. Particularly,
people
 stay in frequent stress and fear because of the likelihood of being victims in every situation. If the government tried to enhance the living conditions of citizens, nobody would commit
such
 a
crime
 as a means of living. That's why
people
 stay under pressure, not being able to defend themselves if they stumble upon murder, mugger, and pickpocket.
In other words
, a higher rate of
crime
 in
society
 and a lack of
self-defense
Change the spelling
self-defence
show examples
 skills could be the main reasons for feeling insecure. It is all I have reasoned prior to putting forward my standpoint. When it comes to voicing my opinion on the issue, different classes of
society
 insist that
such
 circumstances are likely to carry on in the future.
Nonetheless
, technological advancements
such
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
AI camera
systems
, location trackers, and smart lock
systems
 in the apartments prevent
crime
 from happening in the first place. If I lay my cards on the table,
people
 could live with a sense of
security
 in the future thanks to state-of-the-art technologies. To cite Mongolia as an example, the government cooperated with the police to implement a special policy to take control of
crime
 among the public.
As a result
, the rate of
crime
among
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 dramatically decreased, thanks to a new educational program in penintiateries and improved
securities
Fix the agreement mistake
security
show examples
 everywhere in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
. It is the most reasonable paradigm.
Last
 but not least, I would be confident that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
AI camera
systems
, location trackers, and smart lock
systems
 could benefit
people
 by offering a sense of
security
 for the simple reason that individuals are entitled to have a tranquil lifestyle in
society
 without having to protect themselves.
Submitted by M on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each main point is clearly connected to the central theme to enhance logical structure.
task achievement
Expand on examples for more relevance to the main points.
task achievement
The essay addresses both causes and future implications of the topic, fulfilling the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a structured response.
task achievement
The use of specific examples such as Mongolia effectively illustrates the points made.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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