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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries teenagers who commit crimes should be treated the same way as adult criminals. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this Statement

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Introduction
First of
all
Add a comma
all,
show examples
 it's definitely
changeable
Correct article usage
a changeable
show examples
 situation. Teenagers who commit crimes and
likewise
Linking Words
 adult
Use synonyms
criminals
Change noun form
criminals'
criminal's
show examples
Use synonyms
mindset
Fix the agreement mistake
mindsets
show examples
 aren'
t
Use synonyms
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
. Teenagers are
new
Correct your spelling
now
show examples
 starting to life but adult
criminals
Use synonyms
 already know most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Add an article
the thing
show examples
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 about
world
Correct article usage
the world
show examples
 process.
For
Linking Words
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 15 years old a kid
commit
Correct subject-verb agreement
commits
show examples
Use synonyms
crime
Add an article
a crime
show examples
 it
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
probability
Correct article usage
a probability
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 nowadays crimes increase
underage
Change preposition
among underage
show examples
unfortunately
Add the comma(s)
, unfortunately
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
We don'
t
Use synonyms
 change adult
Use synonyms
criminals
Change noun form
criminals'
criminal's
show examples
Use synonyms
mindset
Fix the agreement mistake
mindsets
show examples
 but we can change child
Use synonyms
mindset
Fix the agreement mistake
mindsets
show examples
.
Due to
Linking Words
 children
aren'
Change the verb form
don't know
show examples
t
Use synonyms
 know interested
laws
Change preposition
in laws
show examples
 or life they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
want to do
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
new things. We should change their
willing
Replace the word
will
show examples
. Switzerland
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 own really low
commit
Verb problem
apply
show examples
crime
Use synonyms
 probability
as a result
Linking Words
 of
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
systems
Change noun form
system's
show examples
genuinely
Change the word
genuine
show examples
development
Replace the word
developing
show examples
years
Fix the agreement mistake
year
show examples
 by
years
Fix the agreement mistake
year
show examples
. That's why Switzerland is
safe
Add an article
a safe
show examples
 country. Switzerland when they were children
teaching
Wrong verb form
taught
show examples
for why shouldn'
t
Use synonyms
 commit
Use synonyms
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
. İ
t
Use synonyms
 is truly perfect teaching and grew up conscious
people
Use synonyms
.
I'm supporting
Wrong verb form
I support
show examples
this
Linking Words
 instruction. We need to get over
Use synonyms
crime
Add an article
a crime
the crime
show examples
 that's why we have to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
explain why mustn'
t
Use synonyms
 do
Use synonyms
crime
Add an article
the crime
show examples
.
I'm
Unnecessary verb
I
show examples
 definitely don'
t
Use synonyms
 agree
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
with this
show examples
 idea given that as ı mentioned
adults
Change noun form
adults'
adult's
show examples
 and
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 mind
structure
Fix the agreement mistake
structures
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
mindset
Fix the agreement mistake
mindsets
show examples
 exactly
doesn'
Verb problem
aren't
show examples
t
Use synonyms
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
. We can'
t
Use synonyms
left
Change the verb form
leave
be left
show examples
 alone
criminals
Use synonyms
 of course, they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
commit some bad things but they are still
people
Use synonyms
 and we need to recover
they
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 from
Use synonyms
crime
Replace the word
criminal
show examples
 behaviour. We should
example
Fix the agreement mistake
examples
show examples
 for
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
 generation
then
Linking Words
 they can be good
people
Use synonyms
 for their country.
Conclusion
Linking Words
Lastly
Add a comma
Lastly,
show examples
 I don'
t
Use synonyms
 praise
crime
Use synonyms
. Just I censure
crime
Use synonyms
 , ı hope one day eventually all of
Add an article
the guiltys
show examples
guiltys
Correct your spelling
guilty
 understand
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how can
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
become good
people
Use synonyms
. So ı don'
t
Use synonyms
agree
Add the preposition
agree on
agree to
agree with
show examples
this
Linking Words
 choice.
I'm
Unnecessary verb
I
show examples
 only want to healthy and sustainable good life.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Aim for clarity and structure in your writing. Make sure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. Try using linkers such as 'however', 'therefore', and 'similarly' to connect your ideas clearly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure better organization. Your introduction should clearly state your position on the topic. Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph, and summarize your arguments in the conclusion.
Task Achievement
Expand on your ideas with clear examples and details. Your essay mentions Switzerland as an example, but it's vague. Providing more specific details would better support your argument.
Task Achievement
You have a unique perspective on the topic and bring up interesting points about education and mindset.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have touched upon an important issue regarding the difference in mindset between teenagers and adults.
Task Achievement
You present a clear stance on the topic throughout your essay, which is crucial for addressing the task effectively.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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