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Band 3

In today's world, many people spend increasingly less time in their homes. what are the reasons for this? What are the effects of this trend on individuals and society?

#world #people #time #homes #effects #trend #individuals #society
It's argued that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 don't spend their
time
 in their own homes, I believe working
hours
 are the most common thing.
Moreover
, that will be badly reflected on individuals and society. Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Add an article
the people
show examples
 would like to spend their
time
 with their families and children,
that
Correct word choice
but that
show examples
 can't be achieved if each person
spend
Change the verb form
spends
show examples
 most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
time
in
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at
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 work, many
people
 are working more than 12
hours
 and
that is
 the cause of
this
 problem. Working most of
day's
Add an article
the day's
show examples
time
 for sure would lead to
such
as
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apply
show examples
this
 thing,
moreove
Correct your spelling
moreover
, imagine if
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 city is crowded which
is mean
Wrong verb form
means
show examples
 the
people
 will not only be working 12
hours
; count the transportation
time
 from their work to home. All of these things can badly reflect on each
individuals
Change to a singular noun
individual
show examples
 and for sure will prevent them
to spend
Change preposition
from spending
show examples
 their
time
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 home. Society
also
 will be impacted
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
this
 thing, most
of
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apply
show examples
people
 will suffer
of
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from
show examples
this
 issue and it might lead
people
 to
get depressed
Replace the word
depression
show examples
.
Best
Add an article
The best
show examples
 example of
that is
 the UK a lot of
people
 get depressed
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 working more than 12
hours
 and the issue there
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 most of them don't spend
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
enough
time
 with their family. In conclusion,
people
 spend less
time
 in their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
due to
 their working
hours
 and that will
reflected
Change the verb form
be reflected
reflect
show examples
 badly on individuals and society.
Submitted by altammar12 on

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task achievement
Be more specific about the reasons why people spend less time at home. Consider discussing technological distractions or other social commitments as additional factors.
task achievement
Develop the ideas more comprehensively. Discuss both positive and negative impacts on individuals and society and provide examples.
coherence cohesion
Use more precise linking words and transitions to create smoother coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all parts of the essay are equally developed. Some sections are more detailed than others, which affects the overall balance.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good understanding that working hours are a significant reason people spend less time at home.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, providing a clear frame for the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • increasingly
  • proliferation
  • recreational activities
  • technological advancements
  • remote communication
  • single-person households
  • social interaction
  • cohesion
  • urban planning
  • infrastructure
  • environmental impact
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