IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Information technology enales many people to do their work outside their workplace ( e.g. at home, when travelling, etc. ). Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages ?

#information #technology #enales #people #work #workplace #e #g #home #mobility
It's argued that
technology
 can help
people
 to
work
remotly
Correct your spelling
remotely
 from their
workplace
, I believe the mobility of
this
dose
Correct your spelling
does
show examples
 not outweigh the disadvantages,
due to
Change preposition
because
show examples
people
 feel they should respond to their
work
 even after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
working hours. On the one hand, nowadays
technology
helped
Wrong verb form
helps
show examples
 a
lot
 each
workplce
Correct your spelling
workplace
 to be able to
access
 and
work
 remotely and
this
 thing is really helpful.
Moreover
,
sometime
Replace the word
sometimes
show examples
 when you have
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
emergency
work
 to do you can
access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
your
work
 website or application and finish what
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
you need to do. Imagine if you have a
lot
 of
report
Change to a plural noun
reports
show examples
 to
be handle
Change the verb form
be handled
show examples
to
Change preposition
by
show examples
 your supervisor by the next day, and you did not finish your
work
, easily you can go to your home and
access
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
your laptop to your
workplace
 platform and finish your job.
for
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 Ford company used
this
technology
 and they gave their
employees
 accounts to
access
 whenever they want and finish or check their
work
 and a
lot
 of their
employees
 were happy.
On the other hand
,
technology
 did not help a
lot
 with
this
 thing; many
people
 said if our bosses know that we can
access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our
workplace
 platform, they will ask us to
work
 even if we are outside the job and after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
working hours. Actually, 3 Companies in my country refused to use
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
 mobility, they made a
survy
Correct your spelling
survey
 and most of their
employees
 did not agree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
 that thing, they believed
having
Change the form of the verb
had
show examples
 the ability to
access
 to
work
 remotely, will make the management
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
ask us to
work
 even if we are on holidays. In conclusion, the mobility of working outside the
workplace
dose
Correct your spelling
does
show examples
 not help
people
 and
employees
 and it's a
disadvantages
Change the noun form
disadvantage
show examples
 for them.
Submitted by altammar12 on

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task response
Try to clarify your position on whether the benefits outweigh the disadvantages or not. The introduction suggests one position, but it's not entirely clear throughout the essay.
coherence & cohesion
Work towards a clearer structure with distinct paragraphs and seamless transitions. Although ideas are organized, transitions between them can be more fluid.
coherence & cohesion
Incorporate varied sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance the fluency and reduce repetitions.
task response
Offers relevant examples such as the Ford company to support the point about the benefits of technological mobility for work.
coherence & cohesion
Presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the essay's main argument.
task response
Uses specific instances like companies refusing technological mobility, which enriches the discussion by presenting varied perspectives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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