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Band 5

To what extent has the traditional male role changed in the last 20 years? Many people believe that women make better parenting than men and that this is why they have the greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Write an essay expressing your point of view. Give reasons for your answer.

#role #years #people #women #men #children #societies #point
It's argued that over the previous 20 years
men
Change noun form
men's
show examples
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
show examples
has been
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 changed. And, many people believe that
women
better
Add a missing verb
are better
show examples
 than
men
 in parenting.
Therefure
Correct your spelling
Therefore
,
due to
 that
women
 have
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 greater role in raising
children
 in most societies. In my point of view,
women
 have the ability
of raising
Replace the preposition
to raise
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 better than
men
. And
this
 is because of the nature of
women
.
Moreover
,
Men
 might spend most of their time
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 work and with friends. On the one hand, each
child
 will be comfortable when he stays with his
mother
 more than anything,
Mother
's nature
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 her a lot to become the right place for each
child
.
Moreover
, each
mother
 can teach and focus on her
child
 without punishing him when he does anything wrong and that
because
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
 of her nature.
Mother
 is
mercy
Replace the word
merciful
show examples
 and kind with the
children
, how if we speak about her
child
.
For instance
,
survey
Add an article
a survey
the survey
show examples
 has been made to the UK schools, asking the
children
 who is better with you, is it your
mother
 or your father? and the result was
75
Correct word choice
that 75
show examples
% of
children
 answered that
mother
Correct pronoun usage
their mother
show examples
 is better, as long as she
mercy
Replace the word
is merciful
show examples
 with them.
On the other hand
,
Add an article
the role
show examples
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
show examples
 changed for
men
 around 20 years ago and that
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
because
Add the preposition
because of
show examples
 a lot of things.
Specially
Replace the word
Especially
show examples
 long working hours and
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 most of the time with friends, parenting
child
 need to be close
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 him, listen to him and see what he
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
. That can't be achieved if the
men
 or fathers
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 their time
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 work and
friends
Change preposition
with friends
show examples
,
for example
, Japan decided that each father
has
Correct pronoun usage
who has
show examples
 a
child
 will work only 6 hours
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a day. in order to help the fathers parenting and
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 their
childs
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
.
To conclude
,
women
 have the right to
parenting
Wrong verb form
parent
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
child
 more than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
men
, for a lot of reasons
such
 as
men
 working hours.
Submitted by altammar12 on

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coherence cohesion
Provide a clearer structure to the essay with distinct paragraphs for each point. This will help improve logical structure.
task achievement
Develop some of the ideas further with more detailed examples or explanations to increase task response score.
task achievement
Avoid repeating the same point and focus on providing diverse perspectives.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and clearly stated.
task achievement
You have offered relevant examples, such as the UK survey and Japan's work policy, to support your ideas.
task achievement
The essay shows an understanding of the topic and presents a clear point of view.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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