IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In many countries government spend a lot of money on arts. However, some think government should spend more on health and education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #government #money #arts #think #health #education
It is true that authorities in some nations are spending a lot of money on promoting
Arts
Correct article usage
the Arts
show examples
whereas
 others
belief
Replace the word
believe
show examples
 that
Correct article usage
the Goverenment
show examples
Goverenment
Correct your spelling
government
 should spend it on
health
 care and on educational
sector
. I agree with
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 notion that these sectors
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 to lead a stronger and educated workforce for the betterment of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society but
arts
 have their own importance. One of the reasons that I agree that
Correct article usage
the Goverenment
show examples
Goverenment
Correct your spelling
government
 should include the
health
sector
 on a priority basis for the better development and well-being of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. To do
this
, they can simply invest
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
buiding
Correct your spelling
building
 hospitals where poor and rich classes are treated well and
also
 provide assistance to the scientists to do proper research on medicines to improve the quality of life of individuals.
For instance
, one study showed that 8 million
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people died every year
due to
 the lack of high-quality care. So, investing in medicines helps to improve the
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
 system and increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life expectancy as well.
Moreover
, it is well said that education is the key to success.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 should support
this
sector
 to promote
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal growth, make them independent and of course for the development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. By doing
this
, those communities who belong to underprivileged sections, will not be able to get proper education but
also
 they can improve their standard of living by getting jobs
in particular
 fields which
lessen
Correct subject-verb agreement
lessens
show examples
 the unemployment rate
too
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
On the other hand
,
art
Correct article usage
the art
show examples
sector
assist
Change the verb form
assists
show examples
 in promoting the
cutural
Correct your spelling
cultural
 and historical value of distinct regions.
That is
 why, tourists
loves
Change the verb form
love
show examples
 to visit
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these areas because they
are highly enrich
Change the verb form
are highly enriched
show examples
 in cultural and traditional values.
Same
Correct word choice
Similar
show examples
like
Change preposition
to
show examples
 other sectors,
Correct article usage
the
show examples
Arts
gives
Correct subject-verb agreement
give
show examples
assistance
Replace the word
assist
show examples
 in improving the economy of a nation. To reiterate , investing in
health
 maintenance and
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
education is essential to lead a healthier
lifetsyle
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
 to ameliorate the life expectancy of people and to get better jobs which automatically develop the living standard of people but I think
Arts
 can not
properly
Add a missing verb
be properly
show examples
 negligent by Governing bodies because it has their own significance but prime
cocern
Correct your spelling
concern
 should be to
medical
Add an article
the medical
show examples
 and educational system.
Submitted by kaurjagdeep2097 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Try to ensure that each sentence flows logically to the next. Some transitions could be smoother to help maintain clarity.
task achievement
Offer more specific examples or statistics to solidify your points and make them more compelling. This enhances the persuasiveness of your argument.
task achievement
Ensure parallel structure within lists to improve readability, e.g., 'the poor and rich classes' instead of 'poor and rich classes'.
introduction conclusion
The introduction clearly states the position and provides an overview of the main arguments that will be discussed.
logical structure
The essay is organized into distinct paragraphs that help in delineating the ideas clearly.
supported main points
Several strong points have been made regarding the importance of government spending in healthcare and education, underscoring the overall argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • allocation of funds
  • budget allocation
  • cultural heritage
  • public expenditure
  • quality of life
  • economic growth
  • social inequality
  • public-private partnership
  • fiscal responsibility
  • long-term benefits
  • innovative solutions
  • underprivileged communities
  • life expectancy
  • technological advancements
  • preservation of culture
What to do next:
Look at other essays: