Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

At present numerous individual consider
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
money
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
be
show examples
the most important thing in their
life
and
this
essay will examine the main reason for
this
attitude and other related matters for happiness.
To begin
with, using
money
in
life
is the most important concern. Nowadays people are using
bunch
Add an article
a bunch
show examples
of goods and different kinds of equipment for the comfort of
life
. And
this
matter happens only by riches.
For example
, recently an international newspaper published news that 87% of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
folks work more and more
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
earing
Correct your spelling
earn
show examples
money
and
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
aims are not important to them. Adding that,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money
is an infrastructure of every progress in the modern world, and that not only guarantees all of the
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
, but
also
it is impossible for people to deal with
life
without it.
On the other hand
, there are a lot of necessary aspects in
life
for happiness.
For example
, the researchers indicated that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
life
is meaningless without health and health is a priority in
life
.
Hence
,people have to save their health and
this
matter is more important
for
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to
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them.
Although
it is said that, keeping morality and emotion is
golden
Add an article
the golden
a golden
show examples
key for gladness too and humans need peace of mind in every condition ,and
this
is one of the most important subjects which can not be disregarded as well.
To conclude
, undoubtedly, the
money
provides plenty of positive things.
Thus
, I assume that
currently
Add a comma
currently,
show examples
everyone tries to make a balance between
money
and other
life
requirements in their way of
life
.
Submitted by aksoysana on

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coherence
Enhance your logical flow by ensuring that each paragraph builds upon the previous one more effectively. Use transitional phrases and clear topic sentences.
cohesion
Ensure each main point is well-supported with specific examples and explanations to strengthen your argument.
task response
Address all parts of the question thoroughly, and ensure your ideas are clear and comprehensive.
task response
The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt: how money contributes to happiness and what other factors can influence happiness.
coherence
You included an introduction and a conclusion, which help frame your response and provide a sense of closure.
cohesion
There are relevant examples and statistics provided, such as the international newspaper survey, to support your ideas.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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