IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

There is a growing recognition of the importance of
music
Use synonyms
 in our lives. Some even argue that
music
Use synonyms
 is a powerful medium to unite
people
Use synonyms
 belonging to diverse
cultures
Use synonyms
 and age groups.
While
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 might be considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an exaggeration, I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 point of view. There are numerous ways
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 which
people
Use synonyms
 from different nationalities and age groups can be brought together.
Art
Use synonyms
,
for example
Linking Words
, is universal and takes many forms, ranging from performative arts to decorative arts. When
people
Use synonyms
 visit
art
Use synonyms
 galleries, they may forget their identities for once and immerse themselves in the deep meaning of artworks.
This
Linking Words
 is but one of many media that facilitates connection to other
cultures
Use synonyms
.
Literature
Use synonyms
 is another domain, where it is possible to relate to characters in books in meaningful ways. Using imagination and empathy
people
Use synonyms
 feel as if they were part of what is being narrated in books and engage in them deeply and emotionally.
This
Linking Words
 attachment can be so strong that they go through a rollercoaster of feelings and emotions, losing themselves to
such
Linking Words
 a spiritually rewarding experience.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is no wonder that
art
Use synonyms
 and
literature
Use synonyms
 can affect us powerfully and stimulate our empathy towards others.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, I believe that
music
Use synonyms
 appeals to our sense of belonging and togetherness in even more profound ways.
While
Linking Words
art
Use synonyms
 and
literature
Use synonyms
 can be inaccessible to some
due to
Linking Words
 distance and language barriers, because an
art
Use synonyms
 gallery could be in a distant location, or a piece of
literature
Use synonyms
 in another language,
music
Use synonyms
 can be enjoyed everywhere with considerably less effort. Songs, irrespective of the language they are composed in, can be instantly uplifting for those who might be suffering from anxiety, depression or simply bad mood, encouraging their appreciation of the creators of
such
Linking Words
art
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
,
music
Use synonyms
 festivals are often attended by representatives of various
cultures
Use synonyms
 and ages fostering an atmosphere of togetherness and allowing
people
Use synonyms
 to form strong bonds with others.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is fascinating that when heads of different states meet for summits to discuss serious matters, their agendas usually include attending concerts at which musical representations of different
cultures
Use synonyms
 are performed, possibly paving the way for a smoother dialogue among states.
Thus
Linking Words
, given its ubiquity,
music
Use synonyms
 impacts us profoundly and can serve as a bridge between different
cultures
Use synonyms
 and ages. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 there are other
art
Use synonyms
 forms that help us relate to others, it is my view that
music
Use synonyms
 can play an even more important role
to stimulate
Change preposition
in stimulating
show examples
 our appreciation of other
cultures
Use synonyms
 and peoples.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to provide a clear thesis statement in your introduction, indicating your stance clearly. This will enhance the clarity of your argument from the beginning.
task achievement
To further improve task achievement, consider adding more specific examples to support your points. While you've highlighted music's universal appeal effectively, incorporating concrete examples or statistics can add credibility and depth.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, aim for smoother transitions between paragraphs. Phrases like 'Nevertheless,' 'In conclusion,' and 'In addition,' are good, but varying your transitional language can make your writing flow even more naturally.
coherence and cohesion
Lastly, deepen your conclusion by briefly summarizing your main points before restating your opinion. This reaffirms your arguments and provides a satisfying closure to your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
What to do next:
Look at other essays: