IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

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In the modern era, some
people
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 are working long hours for their development and they are spending very little
time
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 on their leisure activities. I believe that
people
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 who are working long hours, it is for their
growth
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 but
also
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 I strongly believe it has more advantages. In
this
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 essay, we will discuss
this
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 merit with relevant examples from my own
experience
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.
To begin
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 with,
people
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 who
work
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 more
time
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 for their
growth
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, promotion and
also
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 for getting knowledge in their field.
People
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 believe having
this
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 kind of
experience
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 may lead to the next level.
For instance
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, if they
work
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 better they can increase their production and
also
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 they can learn certain things from the stack holders easily how the chain process of the product and the customer requirements.
Additionally
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,
this
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experience
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 might be really helpful for them to increase their skills. They can be managed in any kind of situation.
Secondly
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,
people
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 can own their businesses with the help of working long
time
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,
this
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experience
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 can be very useful for their development.
Moreover
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,
people
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 can get attached to the stack holders and they can get more offers for their business.
For instance
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,
people
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 who
work
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on premises
Add a hyphen
on-premises
show examples
 can easily contact the suppliers for their business
growth
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, they
also
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 can get an offer from the supplier, especially a discount on the price value of the materials. These kind of benefits
people
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 can get it from the vendor
To conclude
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,
people
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 who are working more than hours get benefits for their
growth
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 and development. In my personal opinion,
people
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 who
work
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 more leisure
time
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 can easily survey in their daily life, or else it might help them grow their own business.

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coherence cohesion
Try to organize your points in a more structured manner. Consider using clear paragraphs with distinct ideas that flow logically from one to the next.
task achievement
Ensure all your main points are fully supported with examples and explanations. This helps in enhancing clarity and depth of response.
task achievement
Make sure all parts of the question are addressed. While you presented the advantages, it would also strengthen your essay to mention or briefly discuss potential disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
You have included a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument effectively.
task achievement
You have started with the advantages of working long hours by linking them with personal and career growth, which addresses the question effectively.
task achievement
Utilization of examples from professional settings is a good way to illustrate your points.
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