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Band 5.5

Some people believe that old people should stop working at their 60s, while other sbelieve that they should work as long as they can. to what extent you agree or disagree?

#people #sbelieve #work
Some
people
 believe that older
people
 should not
work
 after their 60s,
while
 others believe that they should
work
 as long as they can. I personally believe that older
people
 should
work
 as long as they can because it is beneficial to their
health
, and it financially supports them.
People
 should
work
 as long as they can because it is beneficial to their
health
. Remaining physically and mentally active is required to maintain
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
sound
health
. As long as old
people
 will
work
, they will remain physically and mentally active, and it will help them to stay fit and healthy. After a certain period of time, if they stop working, and
confine
Wrong verb form
are confined
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 home, it will restrict their body movement, and they will sustain numerous diseases.
For instance
, in Australia, old
people
 who
work
 after their 60s, there are
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
fewer chances to suffer from dementia for them.
Moreover
,
work
 after
60s
Change the article
the 60s
show examples
 supports old
people
 a lot financially. If they can earn on their own, and bear their own expenses, it allows them not to depend on anyone.
As a result
, they remain confident and strong because they are self-sufficient, and there are fewer chances for them
of being
Change preposition
to be
show examples
 financial burdens to others.
For example
, around 65% of Japanese women from the age
ranges
Fix the agreement mistake
range
show examples
 of 60 to 80 have
told
Verb problem
said
show examples
 that they want to
work
 and earn for themselves as long as they can. It helps them to maintain their dignity in front of their children because they are not giving any financial burdens to their children. In conclusion, old
people
 should
work
 as much as they can. It is needed to maintain their
health
 and support them financially.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task achievement
Ensure to include a variety of perspectives on the topic to balance the response and to acknowledge the viewpoint of those who believe people should stop working at their 60s.
coherence cohesion
Include more connectors and cohesive devices to improve the logical flow between ideas and within paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay clearly states a position in the introduction and is supported throughout the body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph addresses a distinct main idea which contributes to the overall response, providing clarity and focus to the argument.
task achievement
The examples given, particularly from Australia and Japan, are relevant and help strengthen the argument regarding health benefits and financial independence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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