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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

These days, mobile phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantage of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#phones #internet #people #advantage #development
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Although
 electronic devices
such
 as
smart phones
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smartphones
show examples
 and the
internet
 allow contemporary people to connect with society more easily and strongly, they
also
brings
Change the verb form
bring
show examples
 them drawbacks. In
this
 essay, I elaborate on the reasons why I strongly believe that the merits of online
communication
 far prevail over its demerits. On the one hand, the primary reason why I think online
communication
 is advantageous is that individuals can keep in touch with each other more easily. Before the advent of the
internet
 and portable devices, they had to call or write to each other to maintain
contacts
Fix the agreement mistake
contact
show examples
 and they sometimes felt it difficult.
However
, today, they can communicate without
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
extra effort by sending e-mails
and
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apply
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posting something on social media and
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
 social relationships. Another benefit of
the
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apply
show examples
online interaction is that they can share information in more ways.
For example
,
while
 some users share their emotions with
Emoji
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emojis
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instead
 of
liguistic
Correct your spelling
linguistic
 methods, others post videos of what they experienced.
Furthermore
, when they want to spread their information in public, they just post it on social media. It was
unconceivable
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inconceivable
show examples
 without the development of
the
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apply
show examples
communication
 technology.
However
,
this
 online technology is not always beneficial.
For instance
, once confidential information or vulgar contents are posted
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
internet
, it is almost impossible to delete them from the cyber world.
As a result
, they are likely to be involved in crimes or be stigmatized for long. 
Hence
,
internet
 users should pay more attention to their
contents
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content
show examples
 before they post them. In conclusion, despite drawbacks including the risk of being involved in crimes and becoming
notrious
Correct your spelling
notorious
due to
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the contents
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contents
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content
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 they posted, I vehemently believe that online
communication
 is still advantageous to present citizens because they can maintain
contacts
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contact
show examples
 with more ease and in more methods.
Submitted by takuya13sugimoto on

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task achievement
Consider using more specific examples to clarify your points. While your ideas are clear, real-world examples can strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Try to ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This can improve the overall flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your arguments.
task achievement
The main points are well-supported, reflecting a solid understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • instant communication
  • social isolation
  • face-to-face communication
  • social media platforms
  • messaging apps
  • sense of community
  • geographical boundaries
  • excessive use
  • virtual interaction
  • non-verbal cues
  • cyberbullying
  • privacy invasion
  • personal wellbeing
  • maintain relationships
  • connect with like-minded individuals
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