IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Travelling abroad is reganded as a valuable and good activity for young people, but some people think it takes too much time and money. Discuss both these viceos and give your own opinion.

#activity #people #time #money #viceos
There is no doubt that travelling plays an indispensable role in our lives.
However
, there are few masses opine that going to other
world
 cost us both
time
 and
money
. In the impending
paragraphs
Add a comma
paragraphs,
show examples
 I will shed light on both the arguments with my
view point
Correct your spelling
viewpoint
show examples
. To commence with, let us delve deeper
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the former
view point
Correct your spelling
viewpoint
show examples
. First and foremost, when an individual
travel
Correct subject-verb agreement
travels
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 different city they enhance their knowledge about culture and customs
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they interact with different
nationality
Fix the agreement mistake
nationalities
show examples
folks
Change preposition
of folks
show examples
 with different
caste
Fix the agreement mistake
castes
show examples
 and
religion
Fix the agreement mistake
religions
show examples
.
Secondly
, they feel more relaxed and energetic because they spend quality with their children and family.To explain , when a person
spend
Change the verb form
spends
show examples
 most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
time
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 work they feel
boring
Replace the word
bored
show examples
 and stressed and even fall
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 anxiety and depression.
Hence
, travelling to any place
act
Correct subject-verb agreement
acts
show examples
 as a stress buster for individual life .
Last
, but not least travelling around the
world
 helps in learning new languages Because In abroad English is the
vast
Correct your spelling
most
show examples
 common language to speak ,
therefore
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 can learn English to speak.
Nevertheless
, let us examine the latter argument.
Firstly
, travelling around the
world
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 more
money
 and
time
 .To explain ,If an individual
want
Change the verb form
wants
show examples
 to visit abroad they have to spend their
hard earned
Add a hyphen
hard-earned
show examples
money
 to pay
flight
Change preposition
for flight
show examples
 tickets,
hotel
Correct word choice
and hotel
show examples
 bookings and
some
Correct your spelling
sometimes
show examples
time
 they have to invest big chunks of
money
 on travel insurance too.
Hence
, after spending all
money
inthese
Correct your spelling
in these
 activities they may fall
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 debt and face financial
crisis
Fix the agreement mistake
crises
show examples
 in their future life.
In addition
 to
this
, when a person
went
Wrong verb form
goes
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 holiday in
foriegn
Correct your spelling
foreign
 they may indulge in
drugs
 because in
foriegn
Correct your spelling
foreign
 countries specially in Canada vast majority of
drugs
Add a missing verb
are avialable
show examples
avialable
Correct your spelling
available
 in shops because
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 is no restriction on selling
drugs
such
 as weed . To encapsulate, I asserted that travelling around the
world
 results in
improve
Wrong verb form
improved
show examples
 physical health because person
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 a break from their work life.
while
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 on the
down side
Correct your spelling
downside
show examples
 it can cause serious issues to individual lives
such
 as financial debt and
indulge
Wrong verb form
indulging
show examples
 in taking
drugs
.
Submitted by navdeepbajaj89 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

complete response
Your essay covers the main points of both views and provides your own opinion, which is great. However, for a higher score, try to ensure your ideas are more clearly organized and develop your arguments further. At times, your examples and explanations seem underdeveloped or could be more specific.
logical structure
Work on improving transitions between your ideas and paragraphs to enhance the flow and connectivity of your essay. This will help in maintaining the reader's interest and improving engagement.
supported main points
Your main points are present, but they could be better supported with more detailed examples and clearer explanations. Try providing more specific instances or evidence to back up your arguments.
complete response
You successfully present both sides of the argument, which is essential for this type of essay.
introduction conclusion present
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which bookends your discussion nicely.
clear comprehensive ideas
You've made an effort to discuss the idea of cultural exposure and personal growth through travel, which adds depth to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: