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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Obesity in children is a serious problem in a number of countries. What are the causes of obesity in children? Discuss the possible alarming effects of this problem in the future.

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These days, the big matter that most countries have with their young generations is overweighting.
This
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 essay discusses the main reasons for
this
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 happening and the negative influences in the future. Unfortunately, obesity is the most common problem
that is
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 a result of some elements
such
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 as not only eating too much food with high calories but
also
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 spending their free
time
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 on video games , TV and so on. On the one hand, today, the main meal that children like to eat is fast food;
additionally
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, they opt for various sanks that have a lot of sugar and oil like chips, chocolate cakes, and so forth
while
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 in their diet, it is important that they use fresh items that are the main source of vitamin and protein.
On the other hand
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, young populations like to spend their free
time
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 on video games, watching TV, and social media,
instead
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 of going out with their family or doing a range of physical activities.
This
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 issue will have a negative impact on the
health
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 system and industries in the future. On the one side, the figure for
health
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 matters will increase because a number of communities are obese.
In other words
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, in the future, most hospitals will be full of patients who will have different illnesses;
therefore
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, the
health
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 system at
this
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time
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 won't have a high efficiency. On the other side, workers who will be obese;
thereafter
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, won't be able to work really well and their yield will be very low;
consequently
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, the industries will have to obtain a lot of workers
instead
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 of prior
time
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 to do their work good and they will need to spend more money for manufacturing .
To sum up
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, In my opinion, obesity is a consequence of the wrong spending of leisure
time
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 and food habits;
furthermore
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, it will impact companies and the
health
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 system.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity, try linking sentences more cohesively with connecting words or phrases (e.g., 'as a result,' 'for this reason').
task achievement
Provide more specific, detailed examples to support your points, which will strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses both the causes and effects of childhood obesity, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize the main points of the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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