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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that it is better to build more public parks and sports facilities in new town rather shopping malls. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #parks #sports #facilities #town #malls
It is widely believed that constructing public gardens and gyms
instead
 of shopping
centres
 should be prioritized in modern cities. I find myself among those who subscribe to the view that more parks and sports
centres
 should be set up in urban areas.
Firstly
, exercising and being exposed to green spaces could play a crucial role in our both physical and mental health. Building parks for people assists them in catching more fresh air and sunlight.
Also
, using sports facilities could boost their physical activity. It would be beneficial to the prevention of cardiovascular diseases and depression if these places were constructed in cities
instead
 of more places for shopping.
While
 they do not have any contribution to the
overall
 well-being of people.
Secondly
, commuting to the malls
while
 there are lots of online shops for those who intend to buy, would waste noticeable time.
Moreover
, it would increase traffic congestion near the shopping
centres
.
Subsequently
, transportation in the town would face multifarious difficulties,
such
 as running out of parking lots and
stucking
Verb problem
being stuck
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
traffic lines for hours.
While
 e-stores are provided the same products
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the malls, the necessity of constructing more of these buildings would reduce.
Furthermore
, if people dedicate their time to exercise in the gyms or walk in the parks
instead
 of waste it on the way of
shoping
Correct your spelling
shopping
 malls, they could take advantage of their time in order to use it for their personal life. In conclusion,
although
 shopping
centres
 are part of the modern cities, I firmly agree with the idea that it would be beneficial to
constructing
Wrong verb form
construct
show examples
 more areas for exercising and getting benefits from nature in the town.
Submitted by rezaei.rezvan94 on

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task achievement
Ensure your arguments are consistently supported with specific examples to better illustrate your points.
task achievement
While your ideas are clear, try to expand them further with more detailed analysis.
general
Keep an eye on minor grammatical errors to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your position, setting a strong foundation for your argument.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively restates your position while summarizing the main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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