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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than evere before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.

#countries #people #evere #population #governments #society
There are a
lot
 of old
people
 in some countries who live longer than usual. A number of
people
 argue that the old
age
 population causes problems for governments.
While
 others are of the opinion that elder
people
 can bring some gains.
This
 essay will agree about the advantages of having an ageing population from my perspective. One obvious thing about the ageing population is that
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 can help the security of many countries become more stable because of its sustainability in innovation and creativity.
For example
, an old professor who is knowledgeable about the research of science and technology can improve the security of a country
such
 as making artificial intelligence to help find an anomaly in the data in the government of many countries.
In addition
, old humans usually have more experience than young
people
 to work in a big company or an industry.
For instance
, a qualification of occupation become sales marketing usually prioritizes a person with a
lot
 of experience. So, first graduate students whose average
age
 is between 22 to 24 years, have a small chance to fulfil the qualification
due to
 the fact that they are still newbies compared to ageing
people
 with a
lot
 of experience.
On the other hand
, some old
people
 whose
age
 is above 70, cannot work as fast as young
people
 because their health is getting worse which influences their vision and hearing.
Thus
,
this
 will decrease their sensibility in working. As an illustration, an elderly person might struggle to read small print on a label or hear important instructions clearly in a noisy environment.
As a result
, they may take longer to complete tasks compared to younger individuals who can process information more quickly.
Besides
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their weakness, they may be a good mentor or inspiration for
people
 with a young
age
 who have a big motivation and a spirit in work. In my view,
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
ageing individuals can bring a
lot
 of benefits
such
 as
help
Wrong verb form
helping
show examples
 the security of a country and
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mentor
Fix the agreement mistake
mentors
show examples
 for new generations. They
also
 can bring a problem
due to
 bad health.
Submitted by endrueliutamalo on

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task response
To improve task response, make sure each point is fully developed with clear reasoning and evidence. You could elaborate more on the benefits of having an aging population, ensuring each point is well-explained.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by using more varied linking words and phrases. This will help connect ideas more smoothly and guide the reader through your argument. For cohesion, ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next.
introduction conclusion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively outlining the main argument and summarizing key points.
task response
The essay provides relevant examples, such as how an old professor contributes to innovation or how elderly people can be good mentors.
logical structure
Overall, the argument is easy to follow with a clear structure that aids understanding.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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