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Band 5.5

Some people think that it is better to build more public parks and sports facilities in new town rather shopping malls. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #parks #sports #facilities #town #malls
some
people
 believe that towns with more
sports
 facilities and public gardens are more beneficial than others
are
Correct pronoun usage
that are
show examples
 full of shopping malls. In my opinion, I believe that balancing between natural
places
 and healthy
places
 with enjoyable
places
 gives a better quality of life for its residents. On the one hand, the government should build many
sports
 facilities around the city and they are essential to
suits
Wrong verb form
suit
show examples
 old and young
people
 because it is necessary for every individual to practise
sports
 to create a healthier community, and
this
 leads to the development of economic in the country by increasing the number of workers. As for public parks, they are important to build because the green spaces help the appearance of the city look inviting.
On the other hand
, we can't
not
Rewrite the sentence
apply
show examples
give
Verb problem
pay
show examples
 attention
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 shopping malls because they offer
people
 daily needs in supermarkets and clothes in stores, as they are
places
 to gather with friends and have fun, children can
also
 enjoy playing amusement rides in
shopping
Add an article
a shopping
the shopping
show examples
 mall.
Moreover
, huge malls can attract a large number of tourists and make the country a tourist destination to increase its income.
For instance
, many
people
 visit the United Arab
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Emiratis
Correct your spelling
Emirates
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due to
Correct article usage
the sky
show examples
sky dubai
Correct your spelling
Sky Dubai
show examples
 event in
dubai
Change the capitalization
Dubai
show examples
 mall. In conclusion, when
people
 choose a city to live in, they would prefer towns with more natural sights,
as well as
sports
 clubs being available, they would
also
 enjoy living in a modern town. As for countries, it is better for them when many different
people
 live in their land.
Submitted by danall1kat on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to maintain consistency in verb tense usage across the essay to enhance clarity and coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and is clearly supported with detailed explanations or examples.
Task Achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support the points made, particularly in the discussion about the benefits of public parks.
Task Achievement
The essay clearly presents both sides of the argument, showcasing a balanced point of view.
Coherence and Cohesion
A well-structured introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Clear progression and linkage between ideas within paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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