Social media is becoming increasingly popular amongst all age group. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Social
media
has rocketed in users ever since the internet became accessible to the masses.
However
, people have become comfortable with sharing personal
information
and documents carelessly through social
media
. I believe that oversharing
information
on social
media
could pose a threat to our own lives.
Security
on online
platforms
has always been a huge debate amongst their users,
due to
many unfortunate incidents previously occurring on various
platforms
.
For instance
, Instagram users have experienced losing their accounts
due to
a system malfunction, and other
platforms
had to encounter
security
breaches following anonymous attacks.
Therefore
, the agenda has circled around the cybersecurity community caused of their lack of attention and innovation.
However
, cybersecurity has enhanced in skill and awareness since
then
. Even so, it has not cleared the incidents that have happened, making people more cautious about using social
media
.
Nevertheless
, system errors are not the only factors that may lead to dangers in our personal
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Human mistakes could
also
cause personal
information
to get leaked.
This
could be
due to
clumsy actions and decisions, or a lack of
security
within the system.
Moreover
, most
platforms
require our personal
information
and details,
for example
, government name, address, date of birth, and so on. Companies claim that they would not use
this
information
to their benefit
,
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apply
show examples
and that they are stored safely in the cloud. Despite that, it raises suspicions and questions about the integrity of the company. Especially, for the companies that had a
security
breach prior. In conclusion, the integrity and safety of online
platforms
'
security
are still questioned
due to
many incidents.
However
, our careless actions could
also
result in the same consequences.
Submitted by millionmiles.indonesia on

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coherence cohesion
To improve the coherence and cohesion, consider elaborating on the transition between ideas. Although the argument is generally easy to follow, connecting sentences or phrases can help guide the reader more smoothly. For instance, when moving from the topic of system errors to human mistakes, including a transition sentence could enhance clarity.
task achievement
In terms of task response, the essay would benefit from a more balanced examination of the prompt. While you provide a strong argument for the risks associated with sharing personal information, also exploring potential benefits or counterarguments could demonstrate a well-rounded analysis.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion. This establishes the context and provides closure to the reader.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task effectively, discussing specific points related to the security risks of sharing personal information on social media. This shows an understanding of the prompt.

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