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Band 5.5

The opening of the first McDonald’s in Russia symbolized the unofficial end of the Cold War.

#first #mcdonald’s #russia #war
It is often argued that the opening of the
first
 McDonald’s in Russia symbolized the unofficial end of the Cold
War
. Personally, I definitely agree with
this
 statement.
Above all
, the main symbol of the end of the Cold
War
 is the collapse of the Soviet Union, and without any doubt, McDonald's was
one
 of the
first
 international companies which
opened
Wrong verb form
open
show examples
 their business in Russia.
Moreover
,
one
 of the characteristics of the Cold
War
 was
unavailability
Add an article
the unavailability
show examples
 of any external relations or international business cooperation in the Soviet Union,
due to
this
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
McDonald's
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
one
 of the biggest well-known companies in the world
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
stopped
this
 period of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
closed Soviet Union's economy and lack of international connections.
Secondly
, the opening of the
Macdonald's
Correct your spelling
McDonald's
show examples
 was symbolised as a sign of a cultural change. McDonald's is mainly considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an American brand and an icon of the Western World. So the opening provoked a huge resonance in
Russians
Replace the word
Russian
show examples
 and
Westerns
Replace the word
Western
show examples
 media. On the day
this
 cafe was opened on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Arbat
street
Capitalize word
Street
show examples
, more than 30
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 people arrived, and during
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
months
Fix the agreement mistake
month
show examples
first
Rephrase
apply
show examples
russian
Change the capitalization
Russian
show examples
Macdonald's
Correct your spelling
McDonald's
show examples
 was serving
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
5 times more clients than the average
one
 from the USA.
However
, it is a quite common view that there are more evident labels for the ending of the Cold
War
.
The fast-food
Correct article usage
Fast-food
show examples
franchise
Fix the agreement mistake
franchises
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 mostly common
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
social
Add an article
the social
show examples
 and
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
. Definitely, talking about events
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
 presidential elections or Chechen
war
, or the revolution in the White House in Moscow,
these
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are more connected with
political
Correct article usage
the political
show examples
 domain, and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 clearly influenced
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the process of
termination
Correct article usage
the termination
show examples
 of the Cold
War
. After all, I consider the most probable view that the
first
 McDonald’s in Russia is for real the unofficial symbol end of the Cold
War
.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task achievement
Provide a more detailed explanation of how McDonald's influenced the cultural shift.
task achievement
Ensure that your ideas are clearly and fully developed.
coherence cohesion
Create smooth transitions to maintain the flow of the essay.
structure
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
task achievement
Good use of specific examples, such as media attention and customer turnout, to support the arguments.
evidence
The main points are clearly identified and generally well-supported throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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