IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #students #government #money #time #activities #people
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Normally the
government
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 of a country supports
students
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 by spending
money
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 on
students
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' free
activities
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. It is often said that “
government
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money
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 should be spent on free time
activities
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 for young
people
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”. The following essay will support two reasons why I disagree with
this
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 statement. First of all, if the
government
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’s
money
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 is only used on free
activities
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 for
students
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, they may lose focus on what they really need to work hard.
It is clear that
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 the
government
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 wants
students
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 to have fun
while
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 studying but it would cause
students
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 to get the wrong idea of what is important for them.
For instance
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, having more
money
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 on sports teams
such
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 as football
instead
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 of having a budget for science research, would make me become good at football, but not a better researcher which may not add up to my future. I am sure most
students
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 would stop studying meaningful subjects because of that. Second of all, young
people
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 don’t have enough responsibility to manage the
government
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's
money
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. It is thought that “spending
money
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 on young
people
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 will be the investment of the country's future”,
however
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, not all
people
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 have a clear will of what they want and what they will be in the future.
For example
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, teenagers’ minds are unstable, their feelings and emotions fluctuate quite often and it is too risky to spend precious
money
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 on
people
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 like them.
To sum up
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,
government
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money
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 may cause
students
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 to lose focus and young adults do
know
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 think properly and do not take advantage of great opportunities. I think the
government
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 should not spend
money
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 on free time
activities
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 for young
people
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Andrea Barreto on

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relevant examples
Try to include more specific examples to enhance the argument. This would help in providing a comprehensive view and making the response more persuasive.
clear ideas
Consider explaining the benefits of focusing on education over free time activities further. This would provide a balanced view or a more emphasized standpoint towards your opinion.
introduction conclusion
The essay has a clear and structured introduction and conclusion, helping the reader to follow the argument easily.
supported points
The arguments are generally well-supported and relevant, maintaining the reader's engagement in the essay.
logical structure
Logical progression of ideas is present, ensuring that each point builds logically upon the previous one.
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