Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
There are disputed opinions regarding how to improve public
health
. Use synonyms
Towards
, where some are of the viewpoints that Correct word choice
apply
rising
the amenities of Correct your spelling
raising
sports
Use synonyms
are
lucrative for individuals' Correct subject-verb agreement
is
health
, Use synonyms
whereas
others Linking Words
counter argue
that there are a plethora of ways which are required to improve public Add a hyphen
counter-argue
health
. Use synonyms
Therefore
, before commenting on my Linking Words
view
, both viewpoints are elaborated in the ensuing paragraphs.
On the one hand, there are several reasons why increasing the number of Use synonyms
sports
facilities is Use synonyms
Correct article usage
an excellence
excellence
method to ameliorate public Replace the word
excellent
health
. The most pivotal one is that Use synonyms
sports
Use synonyms
has
Change the verb form
have
positive
impact on physical Add an article
a positive
health
. Use synonyms
In other words
, Linking Words
sports
are one type of exercise which is fruitful for those people who Use synonyms
are suffer
from certain diseases Change the verb form
are suffering
such
as obesity, diabetes and heart attack. Another striking cause is that it is beneficial for mental Linking Words
health
. Use synonyms
This
is Linking Words
due to
Linking Words
fact
that if folks play some Correct article usage
the fact
sports
after working long hours, they will feel Use synonyms
relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
as well as
energetic which is helpful for their mental Linking Words
health
.
Use synonyms
On the other hand
, those who stand by the latter Linking Words
view
have their own claims. To Use synonyms
embark
with, yoga is Verb problem
begin
best
solution for Change the article
the best
this
situation. By Linking Words
this
I mean that yoga is Linking Words
perfect
blend of pranayam Add an article
the perfect
a perfect
as well as
meditation, Linking Words
thus
it is Linking Words
more
effective way to improve public Add an article
a more
health
. Another notable measure Use synonyms
is avoid
Change the verb form
is avoiding
is avoided
use
of junk food. To Add an article
the use
support
, it can be explained that it has Correct pronoun usage
support this
pessimistic
impact on Add an article
a pessimistic
human's
Change noun form
human
health
, Use synonyms
hence
authorities should impose high Linking Words
tax
on packaged food.
In conclusion, Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
according to
Linking Words
aforementioned
points, it is clearly evident that both Correct article usage
the aforementioned
the
views have their own importance; Correct article usage
apply
however
, I firmly support Linking Words
latter
Correct article usage
the latter
view
rather than Use synonyms
former
Correct article usage
the former
view
because doing yoga Use synonyms
as well as
avoiding junk food are more productive measures to improve public Linking Words
health
.Use synonyms
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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that the argumentation is consistent and clear throughout the essay. While the structure is generally logical, there are a few areas where ideas could be linked more effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on refining the introduction to immediately clarify your stance. Though it presents both sides, it could more directly lead to your own opinion.
Task Achievement
Enhance your response to cover the task more completely. Ensure you are addressing all parts of the prompt, specifically providing clearer examples for each viewpoint.
Task Achievement
Expand on complex ideas with more depth to provide a clearer picture of your stance and reasoning. The essay can benefit from more elaboration on why certain solutions might be effective.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate your points more vividly. Instead of general examples, provide more detailed ones that directly tie to public health.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a solid introduction and conclusion that neatly frames the discussion, effectively setting up the debate and final position.
Task Achievement
You present a balanced overview of both perspectives related to the topic. This balance is important in a discussion essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example