Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
There are disputed opinions regarding how to improve public
health
. Towards
, where some are of the viewpoints that Correct word choice
apply
rising
the amenities of Correct your spelling
raising
sports
are
lucrative for individuals' Correct subject-verb agreement
is
health
, whereas
others counter argue
that there are a plethora of ways which are required to improve public Add a hyphen
counter-argue
health
. Therefore
, before commenting on my view
, both viewpoints are elaborated in the ensuing paragraphs.
On the one hand, there are several reasons why increasing the number of sports
facilities is Correct article usage
an excellence
excellence
method to ameliorate public Replace the word
excellent
health
. The most pivotal one is that sports
has
Change the verb form
have
positive
impact on physical Add an article
a positive
health
. In other words
, sports
are one type of exercise which is fruitful for those people who are suffer
from certain diseases Change the verb form
are suffering
such
as obesity, diabetes and heart attack. Another striking cause is that it is beneficial for mental health
. This
is due to
fact
that if folks play some Correct article usage
the fact
sports
after working long hours, they will feel relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
as well as
energetic which is helpful for their mental health
.
On the other hand
, those who stand by the latter view
have their own claims. To embark
with, yoga is Verb problem
begin
best
solution for Change the article
the best
this
situation. By this
I mean that yoga is perfect
blend of pranayam Add an article
the perfect
a perfect
as well as
meditation, thus
it is more
effective way to improve public Add an article
a more
health
. Another notable measure is avoid
Change the verb form
is avoiding
is avoided
use
of junk food. To Add an article
the use
support
, it can be explained that it has Correct pronoun usage
support this
pessimistic
impact on Add an article
a pessimistic
human's
Change noun form
human
health
, hence
authorities should impose high tax
on packaged food.
In conclusion, Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
according to
aforementioned
points, it is clearly evident that both Correct article usage
the aforementioned
the
views have their own importance; Correct article usage
apply
however
, I firmly support latter
Correct article usage
the latter
view
rather than former
Correct article usage
the former
view
because doing yoga as well as
avoiding junk food are more productive measures to improve public health
.Submitted by pramodv997 on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that the argumentation is consistent and clear throughout the essay. While the structure is generally logical, there are a few areas where ideas could be linked more effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on refining the introduction to immediately clarify your stance. Though it presents both sides, it could more directly lead to your own opinion.
Task Achievement
Enhance your response to cover the task more completely. Ensure you are addressing all parts of the prompt, specifically providing clearer examples for each viewpoint.
Task Achievement
Expand on complex ideas with more depth to provide a clearer picture of your stance and reasoning. The essay can benefit from more elaboration on why certain solutions might be effective.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate your points more vividly. Instead of general examples, provide more detailed ones that directly tie to public health.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a solid introduction and conclusion that neatly frames the discussion, effectively setting up the debate and final position.
Task Achievement
You present a balanced overview of both perspectives related to the topic. This balance is important in a discussion essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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