Some people think that children should obey and do what their parents and teachers want them to do. Others think that children controlled too much cannot deal with problems themselves in adulthood. Discuss both views and state your own opinion

Some people think that
children
should obey their
parents
and
teachers
, and do what they instruct
children
to do. Others believe that
children
who are controlled too much cannot deal with problems when they become adults. I personally believe that
while
controlling makes
children
disciplined for a certain time, it hinders their capabilities
of making
Change preposition
to make
show examples
decisions
in their adulthood. If
children
are controlled by their
parents
and
teachers
, they become disciplined. They learn to maintain rules
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and act
according to
the instructions given by their elders.
As a result
, they become disciplined
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and have control over their
lives
.
For example
, in Bangladesh,
children
are strictly controlled by their
parents
until they become 18. They always follow their
parents
' advice
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
every aspect of their
lives
,
therefore
, their
lives
are very disciplined and regulated.
However
, I personally believe that controlling
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
parents
hinders the decision-making skills of
children
.
Children
who are controlled by their
parents
and
teachers
cannot make
decisions
in the future. They always depend on others when it comes to decision-making. They become
confuse
Change the verb form
confused
show examples
about making
decisions
and cannot find a conclusion on their own which impacts their development of becoming independent.
For example
, the young generation in India, who are always guided by their
parents
and
teachers
become
confuse
Change the verb form
confused
show examples
about making
decisions
in their later
lives
.
Therefore
, too much control of
parents
and
teachers
over
children
is harmful. In conclusion, I believe that
while
strict parental control over
children
makes them disciplined, they should not be controlled by their elders. It hampers their
dicision-making
Correct your spelling
decision-making
abilities in the future.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures to maintain reader interest and improve overall cohesion.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph builds logically from the one before it, with clear transitions.
task response
Try to support your points with a broader range of examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your arguments well.
task response
The essay addresses both views effectively and states your opinion clearly.
task response
Your examples are relevant and help to illustrate your points.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: