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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinions on this?

#children #games #reason #violence #crime #cities #world
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Modern
children
 have a huge interest in video
games
 in which there is
violence
. Some people believe that
this
 can be a trigger for
violence
 in the future. I absolutely disagree with
this
 opinion and suppose that the reason for the formation of crime is completely different factors. In my essay, I want to give my arguments that support my opinion.
Firstly
, we must not forget that video
games
 are only one of the factors that affect human
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
According to
 my observations, many
children
 who play violent
games
 do not show any aggressive tendencies in real life. An important point is the distinction between fictional
violence
 in
games
 and reality, and many
children
 are able to understand
this
.
For example
, I have been playing computer
games
 in the genre of shooter with my friends since
our
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
childhood, and, despite that fact, now we are all pacifists.
Secondly
, social environment, level of education, access to resources and mental health play an equally important role. People become criminals because of social and financial problems in life. Cruelty most often appears in a child
due to
 harsh upbringing or
violence
 in the family. Namely, in a family where the father constantly beats his
children
 and wife, an associative person is more likely to grow up than in a family where everyone lives in peace and harmony.
To sum up
, in general, violent
games
 can have an impact on
children
, but it is just one of the many variables that shape their personality and behaviour. An integrated approach to understanding the problems of
violence
 and crime in society requires taking into account various factors, including social, economic and cultural aspects.
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Coherence and Cohesion
Consider refining the connection between each paragraph to improve the flow and create a stronger link between your ideas.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples or studies to support your claims for a more solid argumentation.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, facilitating comprehension of the main point discussed.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are well articulated and provide comprehensive responses to the task.
Task Achievement
The use of personal experience adds a unique perspective to your argumentation.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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