IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some modern artist receive huge sums of money for the things they create while others struggle to survive Governments should take steps to resolve this unfair situation To what extent do you agree or disagree

#artist #sums #money #struggle #governments #steps #situation
Several of today's
artworks
 make a large amount of
money
 from their
artworks
.
In contrast
, some people in the society deal with financial problems.
While
 it is argued that the
Government
 should address
this
 problem, I firmly agree that any part of society is responsible for their career and income.
Firstly
, I acknowledge that working as an artist does not seem to involve physical and mental strains and
also
,
this
 does not appear to be a highly demanding job compared with nursing or working in mines.
However
, the issue is that
artworks
 need a lot of materials and equipment which could be utterly pricy. Other occupations might not have special equipment which needs to be provided by workers. I think
artists
 tend to sell their products
for
Change preposition
at
show examples
 high expense to not only earn
money
 for their needs and life but
also
 buy raw materials for creating their works.
Secondly
, certain art workers have limitations in the number of
artworks
due to
 the
time
.
In other words
, it is undeniable that creating an artwork may
last
 for a long
time
.
As a result
, many
artists
 should allocate a considerable amount of
time
 to creating just one work.
Furthermore
, many
artists
 work do not have support from the
Government
 and
on the other hand
, they should make
money
 on their own since many of them do not have fixed salaries. I think it is fair that
artworks
 would be expensive
due to
 their
time
-consuming and lack of support from the
Government
 for their owners. All being said, It is argued that it is not fair that
artists
 earn a large amount of
money
while
 many individuals have crucial problems with financial issues .
Although
 the
government
 is said to be responsible for implementing strategies to tackle
this
 problem, I wholeheartedly believe that artist allocates
money
 and
time
 to produce limited creatures and as they do not have fixed wedge and formal support from authorities, it would be fair to sell their works expensively.
Submitted by Maral.qanbarii1992 on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to illustrate your points. Mention particular artists, artworks, or countries to make your arguments more concrete.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve sentence structure in certain places to enhance clarity. For example, the phrase 'Other occupations might not have special equipment which needs to be provided by workers' could be rephrased for better flow.
task achievement
Ensure your arguments directly address the prompt. For instance, consider explaining how government intervention could potentially balance the disparity between successful and struggling artists more thoroughly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You make several strong points about the financial demands and nature of artistic work.
coherence cohesion
You've provided a logical connection between artists' expenses and the pricing of their artworks.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Economic disparity
  • Market demand
  • Public visibility
  • Artistic merit
  • Equitable distribution
  • Government intervention
  • Free market
  • Bureaucratic complications
  • Social and economic inequalities
  • Targeted government assistance
  • Wider reforms
  • Commercial viability
  • Niche audiences
  • Financial rewards
  • Systemic issues
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