IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children are engaged in different kind of paid work. Many of people consider it inappropriate and Validate Essay many think it as a learning experience for taking responsibility?

#children #work #people #responsibility
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is a long-term debate among people about whether
kids
 should do paid
work
. Supports believe that
kids
 would learn how to take responsibility by it,
however
, the opposing side thinks that would be harmful to
kids
' growth. In my opinion,
children
 should not be expected to do any paid jobs, which would have many negative effects on education. At
first,
it may traumatize their mentality and personality that parents force their young
children
 to do paid jobs. Since
kids
 are unable to tackle challenges from
work
due to
 their sentimental and fragile instincts, living under
this
 pressure could shock their confidence and self-esteem,
furthermore
, which would make
kids
 misunderstand that parents would not love and support them unless they have financial incomes.
As a consequence
, they may form an anti-social personality, or the opposite, self-deprecating personality as their growth. As a shred of evidence,
kids
 from poor areas have to
work
 since they were young,
however
, there is no proof showing that they tend to be more responsible,
by contrast
,
this
 group usually demonstrates a higher criminal rate.
Additionally
, the complex environment of workplaces is detrimental to
kids
' growth, since
kids
 are incapable of differentiating right and wrong in many aspects, they may imitate adults' inappropriate and uneducable behaviours and speak.
For example
,
due to
 the lack of advanced skills, many
children
 have to do simple
work
 in the third industry,
such
 as shop assistants, causing them to deal with people from multiple backgrounds, which would offer
kids
 many negative role models. In conclusion, parents should not follow
this
 trend to encourage
kids
 to do paid
work
 outside,
by contrast
, they should consider cautiously whether paid jobs are beneficial to
children
's long-term development.
Submitted by Timothy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on logical transitions to enhance the natural flow between your paragraphs.
task achievement
Make sure each point is thoroughly supported with specific examples or references.
task achievement
Clarify some sentences to make your arguments more comprehensive and easy to understand.
coherence cohesion
Good introduction and conclusion; these sections effectively outline your main stance.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the question by analyzing both sides of the issue.
task achievement
You have highlighted valid concerns regarding children taking up paid work, which adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: